Peter on a Bucktoothed Bitch

"no, no, no, it's called orthodonistry. know it, love it, live it."

Peter on Personal Musk

"after going to the burn barrel with gram i smelt like i had been raped at a family BBQ."

Peter on Stank

"there is sausage grease and smoky cock smell all over me. it's a rather good smell."

Peter on Reality, Part 5

"when there isn't much choice, there isn't much choice."

Peter on Piss Shoes

"like i got nothing Better to do than crawl myself out of bed, stand on the porch, expose myself to God and Nature, and piss in some crazy bitch's shoes?*"

*peter's comment upon hearing that he was accused of peeing in his father's wife's shoes.

Peter on Carrots

"i'll tell you what, there is something grand about carrots in syrup. well, it's better with brown sugar, but when you don't have that syrup is ok. sweet carrots are grand!"

Peter on Football, Part 3

"because he* loves horses, there is no glory** as long as there are horses around.***"

*eli manning
**personal glory
***to take the glory upon themselves

Peter on Reality, Part 4

"he* would have saved me a lot of trouble had he died and the old woman were alive."

*dale T

Peter on His Value

"i'm a fount of knowledge and you'd do well to listen."

Peter on Cosplay

"if the cosplay is decent then it's all fine and good. but these toolbags who dress up like tingle* in their moms underwear really need help. i mean, i'm all for dressing up in your moms underwear, but tingle? there is something not right about all that."

*tingle is an openly gay character from the "legend of zelda" games series.

Peter on Government, Part 2

"when it comes to the government, they are some of the most unreliable motherfuckers i've ever seen!"

Peter on Groceries

"literally, it takes me two or three days to recoup from getting groceries*"

*with gram

Peter on the Welfare Office

"like everyone in the welfare office doesn't already have a sob story.*"

*comment on gram's notion that pete should give the welfare office a sob story to convince them to help him.

Peter on Money

"so basically what happened today was this: i started out with no money. and then i got no money. and then i spend the money that technically i didn't have."

Peter on Reality, Part 3

"all i want is basic stability... and to be a little insane at the same time."

Peter on Disability, Part 3

"if i say i'm depressed - oh, here's 20 grand. if i'm crippled, i get nothing. now if i'm depressed about being crippled... 20 grand. if i'm depressed because the grass is green.... 20 grand. if i'm stable and angry, i get nothing."

Peter on Disability, Part 2

"the biggest problem with me is that i'm not disabled enough."

Peter on Perspective, Part 2

"get this. 90+ people just died in india today. here in america bush just pardoned a fucking turkey. put that in perspective."

Peter on Septic Tanks

"I ALMOST DIED IN A FUCKING SEPTIC TANK! I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE PISSED!"

Peter on Family Visiting, Part 2

"my family was giving me a head ache so i took some Aleve... but they wouldn't go."

Peter on India

"i'm sorry, but if you are an american there ain't jack diddly you need in india... EVER!"

Peter on Pretty in Pink

"dear God, at 300 lbs the term 'pretty in pink' does not apply!!"

Peter on Defecation

"a larger-sized woman does not go 'POTTY,' she 'EXCRETES,' ok?"

Peter on The Great Depression, Part 2

"so i gotta take it and i gotta hide it from her* while she's in the store cause if she sees it she'll be like 'oh, oh, oh that's 30 cents cheaper at great american**!' i don't care. i don't give a fuck. i know it's 30 cents cheaper, i don't give a fuck, thank you, no! see, you can't explain something to somebody like that because to them when something is on sale it's golden and when it's not you should live without it. you can't talk to somebody like that, you can't reason with somebody like that."

*peter's grandmother
**eastern united states regional super market

Peter on Milk

"i don't like the great american* milk. i just don't. i don't like, i don't like, i don't like it. i like the big fuck M* milk, so i get the big fuck M milk. it might not be 30 cents cheaper but i don't care. i don't care. if i want the shit i'm gonna drink the shit and it's gonna be proper."

*eastern united states regional super market

Peter on Motivation

"there are lots of things i should do but probably won't and lots that i shouldn't do but probably will. exactly."

Peter on Holidays, Part 2

"i hate when people have to run off to their families. me, i'm trying to get away from mine, and they just wont go."

Peter on Madden

"now i'm stuck here all day and the only highlight is madden. you know you've entered the 9th level of hell when that's all you have to look forward to."

Peter on Bitching, Part 3

"there's always bitching to be had!"

Peter on Bitching, Part 2

"expect it! expect the bitches! expect the bitches to commence! ok? expect it!"

Peter on Bitching

"that's what i do, that's how i am. i bitch about everything. i bitch about God, i bitch about this, i bitch about that. my goal in life is to bitch. it's all i need, all i want. that's my lover of choice - other than food and video games and, you know, batteries up the anus..."

Peter on Stickers, Part 2

"these store stickers that have no meaning to me at all, the consumer - i get a little bit fucking uppity. i just get a little bit fuckin' uppity with these stickers, ok? i get really pissed off. very pissed off."

Peter on Stickers

"stickers piss me off. any sticker. i don't give a fuck what it is, where it is, how it is - unless it's like a scratch-n-sniff kinda sticker."

Peter on Complaining

"i can't complain, but i want to complain."

Peter on Dale T, Part 3

"see, the man doesn't want anything to do with you - ever. i mean, the man would disown you if he could. yet the moment i'm trying to sleep he's trying to be my loving father and take me on a fucking fishing trip, ok? all i wanna do is sleep! when i'm sick, i wanna sleep, get the fuck away from me!"

Peter on Sickness

"when you're sick, what the fuck do you wanna do? you wanna shut the fuck up and sleep!

Peter on Colds, Part 2

"you got two orifices but can't breathe through either of them, you're fucked!"

Peter on Wrongs

"your constant fucking around wounds me greatly, and the fact that i have to explain it means you A) are wrong and B) are outta touch with reality."

Peter on Colds

"you got phlegm and snot in your mouth? there's something not right and that's all i got to say about it! there's nothing good about it. do you wanna swallow it? well, outta sight, outta mind. but the problem is when you swallow the shit don't go down because the shit's in the throat!"

Peter on Cough Medicine

"cough syrup. that shit is fuckin' vile! it's like sucking the ball sack of a fuckin' donkey after he's been rolling in a pile of monkey shit. that's what that stuff tastes like! and it comes with the little plastic cup and you're supposed to measure and shit... fuck that! i just swig that shit right down. i figure if i take too much, guess what? i'll die! cold's over! cold is gone! you dead, no more cold!"

Peter on Video Game Etiquette, Part 3

"i got this stupid woman emailing me from the site saying she agreed with me* and wanted to know if i wanted to play with her and her husband. no, bitch! you single and you good looking? maybe. but not if you got a husband. i don't wanna be playing with you. i mean, jeez. i don't wanna be playin' with some old woman and her husband. you about 22 to 28 and you're attractive? you know, then i wouldn't mind playing with you. see, the problem is that i'm a realist. i ain't got time for that kinda shit."

*a video gaming forum

Peter on Effort

"try as you must, fail as you do."

Peter on JC Penny

"jc penny should be totally ashamed of themselves for selling the crap that they do to innocent, stupid people like dale T."

Peter on Women, Part 2

"i'm not saying i grasp, you know, a woman's every desire, but i have some clue as what NOT to do."

Peter on Medical Woes, Part 2

"in my physical condition i got nothin' to do except sit around, watch DVDs, play with myself, and play video games. that's it. that's it. there ain't nothing else to do. and the middle one is getting boring, too. how bad is that?"

Peter on Legs

"......pffftt *farting loudly*, OOHHH MAH LEGS WENT OUT!"

Peter on Family Feuds, Part 2

"we love each other... but we’re better off loving each other from the other room."

Peter on Holidays

"holidays suck! this may seem harsh, but you’ve never spent the holidays with my family! it’s just not a happy thanksgiving unless the words 'lazy bastard,' 'get a job,' 'cut your hair, you bum,' a whole plethora of curse words including my holiday favorite: 'you fucking son of a bitch!' i mean i feel the love, i really, really do!"

Peter on Phones, Part 2

"there are some folks who just don’t get it. when the answering machine starts up and says, 'please leave a message after the beep…BEEEP' you can clearly hear the caller in the background talking to someone else, not hearing the message at all, and they then prove this by starting off with a joyfully giddy, 'hello?…hello?…HELLL-OH? *sigh* CLICK!' like i’m somehow the one at fault for their lack of ability to grasp the fucking situation? this, to me, should be punishable by death and death alone!"

Peter on Phones

"why are stupid people allowed to have telephones? i mean really, there should be a law - or a ban at least - for this type of crime!"

Peter on Cooking

"fact is, my mother didn’t teach me how to cook. i learned myself at age 3, standing on a chair, frying eggs in the kitchen! i learnt way back then that i’d have to fend for myself!"

Peter on Solitude

"see it’s not that i’m anti-social, i just hate people. it’s nothing personal. don’t call me, don’t bug me! i know you mean well but you’re pissing me off! EMAIL is the word of the day around here! you want me, then you email me. but you call me, I get angry! it’s rather simple when you figure out the rules."

Peter on Lite Iced Tea

"have you ever tried to drink iced tea with fake sugar packets?? it just ain’t the same, and this on-going beverage blasphemy just isn’t going happen ANY MORE. all i want is real sugar in my tea and real mayo for everything else. is that so hard? i’m not asking for world peace or mountains to crumble or anything, just give me a few earthly delights before i die!"

Peter on No Fat

"i’ll die before any of that light mayonnaise or sweet-n-low crap ever comes into this house - or near my lips for that matter! that light mayo tastes like wood glue and should simply be used as such! how in the world can anyone produce that type of shit and think that it tastes good? and don’t even get me started on that sweet-n-low fake sugar packet stuff!"

Peter on Pain

"my back don’t give a damn about nice tidings and wishful thoughts."

Peter on Respect

"i'm 30 god damn years old*; i don't have to respect a damn thing!"

*several years ago

Peter on Dale T's Nuts

"dale T just sits there enjoying his nuts, fidgeting, and every now and then he’ll crack one open and yell out, “hey, woman! look, it’s rotten in side!” he will then proceed to eat it anyway. nut after mixed nut is being cracked open, each one going to his sprightly little lips so that his buckteeth can gnaw away at the nutty goodness inside each half shell. after a while he looks over and says to me, “what? yew wanna nut too, boy?” and with that he belts one over at my head with all his might, hitting me in the face for all he’s worth just like a good father should."

Peter on Perspective

"my life is nothing more than a cosmic joke for God and satan to sit around - all shit-faced like the King from burger king - trying to find new ways to jag my ass. i understand my role in their earthly skits and amusements."

Peter on Life, Part 6

"life doesn’t suck, just all the other people in it."

Peter on Paralysis

"i wake up half paralyzed four or five days a week!"

Peter on Doctors

"i’m just wondering - would it be possible to sue that stupid disability doctor? you know, maybe at the least i could get a court order in place to force her to put in her damn front teeth while giving exams. is that possible? i think i’m in still shock over that. i don’t need nasty gum gaps in my face. it’s like looking directly into the sun. i think i need $20 million for my sprained eyes or something! unreal! of course some fool court would probably grant me that... but help with paying for pain medication and keeping the heat on is out of the realm of possibility, right?"

Peter on Disability

"well, i just got a good swift kick in the shins again.* denied for disability once again, as if the first time wasn’t good enough. they claim that i can lift “up to 20 lbs” for “4 to 8 hours” at a time. not really clear how that qualifies me for anything but, hey, this is new york state."

*this was many years ago

Peter on the Cosmic Dildo

"the cosmic dildo can also bring joy!"

Peter on Everything You Have

"everything that you have is because of me. you'd have no success if it wasn't for me. ok? your success thereof or lack there of is all a direct result of somehow trying to fuck me over. not that you did it intentionally, because you gotta understand that there's deeper work workin' here. there's a deeper cosmic dildo workin' here."

Peter on Cosmic Jokes

"his name is dannl the dentist sty-full, for Christ's sake. tell me this is not a cosmic joke against me!"

Peter on Life, Part 5

"honestly, i wanna wake up and realize my life has been nothing but a bad dream."

Peter on Jokes

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Peter on Winning a Heart, Part 3

"you gotta understand. i'm not a complex person. you give me $20 or some food. honestly, you could drizzle chocolate on just about anything and i'm yours, ok? that's what i'm talkin' about."

Peter on Winning a Heart, Part 2

"see, the thought was there, and there was food. i'm 400 lbs, there's food. that's how you win me."

Peter on Winning a Heart

"i'm a firm believer: you wanna win my heart? twenty bucks or dinner. that's it. twenty bucks or something to eat, ok?"

Peter on NASCAR

"i hate NASCAR people. i hate em. i hate them. i hate hillybilly, lowbred hicks. i hate country music motherfuckers."

Peter on Women

"to me, women are vindictive bitches 99% of the time."

Peter on Dale T, Part 2

"i'm just trying to figure out the idea. i'm just trying to figure out what it is about dale T that she feels she needs to have in her life. ok? she's just looking for a cheap date? you know, maybe someone to rachet up some shit around her house? i don't know. i mean, if she's lookin' for a handy man that's about the only thing that dale T's got that's a redeeming quality."

Peter on Hips

"i'm telling you right now - i said it before and i'll say it again - swinging your hips is great, but getting someone else to do it for you, now that is where the real magic is... and i don't mean that sexually, either."

Peter on Life, Part 4

"well, if i had more money i could buy numbers 1 and 3, so...*"

*spoken in response to the question 'what if you could buy love, money, and hope?'

Peter on Life, Part 3

"nothing. still no love, no money, no hope.*"

*spoken in response to the question 'so what's new in the world?'

Peter on Mortality

"she’s old and knows she’s going to die*, so everyone else's mortality is in jeopardy at every possible second of every possible day."

*gram

Peter on The Boss

"i think i speak for everyone with more than 2 active brain cells when i say FUCK THE BOSS! i didn't want to listen to him today,* much less know i'll have endure the prick during the super bowl, too! i mean, come on!"

*said after bruce springsteen presented a new song on sunday night football this week.

Peter on Horse Love

"i don't see the horse thing* as being sexual (though don't quote me on that), but as more of a lust for ponies. like a love for westerns and shit."

*peter believes NFL quarterback eli manning has a strong interest in horses

Peter on Old People

"i love my grandmother, i really do. but on the other hand i simply just hate old people. so it's a conflict of interest for me"

Peter on The Truth and The Consequences

"i’m not asking for the goddamn mountains to crumble here, just that you fucking liars eat shit and tell the truth for once!"

Peter on Family Feuds

"i said to him*, 'what, you called the cops on me for telling the truth?' and he says to me, 'dat’s truth from yer point of view!' correct me if I’m wrong, but that’s called an OPINION you fuckwit! a truth is a truth no matter where it’s coming from!"

*spoken about dale T, after the man harassed peter on trumped up charges

Peter on His Father's Fornication

"do what ever you want, just don’t do it at the house!*”

*said to his father mere months before the house was taken over by the new girlfriend

Peter on Rusty Roller Skate Wheels

"who the fuck in their right mind would want to a busted up, rusty, shitty set of roller skate wheels? the man* should have been slapped in the back of the fucking head that day, not applauded and treated as a hero for his “you never know” moments!"

*peter's grandfather

Peter on the Evil Eye

"have you ever seen someone give you a look as if you had just spit on the virgin mary? a look suggesting that if i were to ever speak of such evil again, she would leap from her chair and gut me like a fish?*"

*reporting on his experience of suggesting his grandmother buy pizza from a certain unfashionable pizzeria in town

Peter on Saving Money

"i'm sorry, my life does NOT rotate around 30 cent savings! see, back in the day when you had no food and/or money, you worry about 30 cents. but times have changed! i’ll give you a buck 30 just to shut the fuck up!"

Peter on The Great Depression

"i understand that the depression was a bitch, but i get depressed just hearing about it and - quite frankly - it gives me the shits! that was 19-nothing, this is 2008! die or get the fuck over it!"

Peter on Harassment

"she’s* been harassing me and causing me grief for months and all I’ve done was EXIST!"

*the hobbit

Peter on P0rn

"a 4 minute p0rno is much like a 4 minute erection. at first it seems good, but in the end doesn't amount to much."

Peter on Dale T

"but dale T on the other hand... i mean, it's dale T, for Christ's sake. i mean, eh, whu, ah, seh, ur, uh.... see, i'm all flustered. i can't even speak proper. but seriously, the man has nothing. you understand that? the only thing the man has is his guns. his guns and his hunting. that's it. and his coins. his overpriced replica coins."

Peter on Dale T's Social Life, Part 3

"the shit needs the kibosh put down upon it!"

Peter on Dale T's Social Life, Part 2

"in all reality - especially if you're dale T in dale T's reality... there's nothing to be happy about. the man, all of a sudden, he's on cloud 9, he's dancin' around, he's humming - HUM HMM HMM MMM HMMM HUM HM HMUMM - he's dancin' and singin' and doing stupid fuckin' shit i ain't seen the man do a day in his life. i don't know where this new, um, midlife crisis came from, but it needs to end."

Peter on Happiness

"you see, there's NOTHING to be happy about. ok? there's nothing. i don't care if you're the richest man on the planet. there's nothing to be happy about. i don't care if you've got the greatest woman, your high school sweetheart... there's nothing to be happy about."

Peter on Dale T's Social Life

"i have no clue why the man feels he needs a social life. i don't get it. i don't wanna get it. i wanna know nothing about it, ok?"

Peter on Life, Part 2

"i don't even know where to start this. i have no fuckin' clue where to start this. in fact, i don't even want to start this - i don't even want to know anything about this shit."

Peter on Low Fat

"i'm 400 pounds. do i look like i want anything low fat?"

Peter on Bodily Fluids

"everything about me, level-wise - apart from the testosterone - is perfect!"

Peter on Instanity

"i'm tellin' you! mark it the fuck down, mark it the fuck down on yer little calendar - it's gonna happen just the way i predicted it! i guarantee it! i guaran-fuckin'-tee it! because i've been given insight! because i'm a fuckin' idiot! i have nothing! i have to sit around and think of this shit all fuckin' day - this is all i dooo! like a doomsday fuckin' senario! i should be working for the government!"

Peter on Government, Part 2

"i'm a firm believer that i've lost my mind because of all this bullshit with the government! i believe it and, you know what, i'm not even going to try to correct myself. i'm going to LIVE in the fuckin' insanity and i'm going to enjoy it!"

Peter on Knowing Jesus, Part 2

"it's like, you know 'i know jesus' and you get hung up on a fucking cross somewhere. 'because knowing jesus brings persecution' ...wow, thanks! wheeew! if only i'd known that in the first fucking brochure. you kinda left that one outta the beautiful, wonderful cosmic picture of christianity - thanks!"

Peter on Knowing Jesus

"i'm a firm believer believer that if you believe in jesus christ you should rule the fuckin' galaxy. you should rule the galaxy, any one you wanna pick! pick one - ehhh - that's the one i wanna rule."

Peter on Chem Trails, Part 2

"you realize an hour ago there were no clouds? no clouds in the area, no clouds coming toward my house. there were no clouds. i looked... i looked! there were no clouds coming. now it's gonna fuckin' rain? it's starting to get dark? i looked at the radar, i looked at the shit. i'm telling you, they're fuckin' doin' it! they're fuckin' with the weather!"

Peter on Chem Trails

"of course if they would stop seeding my fucking skyline there wouldn't be any rain at all. dude, i'm telling you, i'm telling you, you mark my fucking words, they are seeding shit in the fuckin' atmosphere. i guarantee you - i would bet my genital region on it. i sat here and watched 'em fuckin' do it."

Peter on Video Game Etiquette, Part 2

"i just took my pain pills and i'm ready to race!*"

*spoken to a friend via instant messenger while waiting for him to come back to play mario kart ds.

Peter on James Traficant

"hear me!*"

*quoted many times by peter in reference to congressman james traficant of ohio (the only thing from ohio peter likes).

Peter on Gainful Employment, Part 3

"i couldn't do cashier work which eliminated me from about 99% of the jobs around here."

Peter on Gainful Employment, Part 2

"if there was a job, there would be money. of course, who's gonna hire a 400 pound cripple? you know? and even when i could get around better, back in, you know, the late '90s - early 2000's... seriously, who's going to hire a 400 pound plus person who's not qualified for anything?"

Peter on Medical Woes

"when they ask me if there is any new relevant information they need to know about, i'm going to lift my fuckin' shirt, pull down my little pants, and show them my freakin' hernia. and i'll say 'here's exhibit A, bitches!'"

Peter on What He Was Saying

"what i was saying, what i was saying... ah, i don't even remember what i was saying."

Peter on the Bible

"i don't want to read what it says because i want to live in my DELUUUUUUUSION! i don't want to read what it says because i don't like what it says!

Peter on the Stars, Part 2

"the fuckin' alignment of the stars... they line up and they say FUCK YOU!"

Peter on the Stars

"there are people since the dawn of time that have been reading the stars - we have the pyramids to prove it! they've been worshiping the fucking stars! the stars were telling them fucking stories they won't tell me! there are fucking stories that i'm not privy to! that's pissing me the fuck off!"

Peter on Make-A-Wish

"where the fuck was make-a-wish all those years ago when i was a little kid crying myself to sleep?"

Peter on His Bad Side

"don't be getting on my bad side... either of them."

Peter on Life

"i feel like i might be dying a little bit every day."

Peter on Buffets

"I hate buffets. you stuff your ass, go home, and get hungry an hour or two later. now i'm sitting here looking at a box of 'nutrisystem BBQ sauce over beef, beans and rice' which expired in 2006 and it just ain’t doin’ it for me!"

Peter on Being Alone

"it took me all of 2.2 seconds to realize that I enjoy being alone."

Peter on How to Read Poetry

"let me get you back on the path of righteousness here by saying this is all about me and not the poem in question.*"

*spoken while commenting on dante's 'inferno'

Peter on Beans

"i opened a can of beans today (using the pop top lid) and the thing blew up. there was a very loud popping sound and beans shot out every which way, hitting the walls, my face and shirt, all over the cupboards, and some even landed on my dog. trust me, i’m not joking. the force fired off like a cannon and thrust the lid into my left index finger, causing me a sharp numb and stingy feeling that lasted for about a half an hour or more."

Peter on Churches

"churches are supposed to be all sweetness and light, right? they're supposed to love everyone and give grace to all. but all that really means is that churches are basically enablers, allowing a lot of fools to continue in their dumbass ways. oh, no, we would't dare call that person an idiot or a dolt, or, i don't know, a FUCKING moron. they're precious and just need to be 'plugged in.' right."

Peter on Starting the Day Right

"all my days start the same: with a splitting headache and no hope for the future."

Peter on Teabagging

"i'm delighted by teabagging... not on myself, just over all."

Peter on Football, Part 2

"i don't get 'unnecessary roughness.' it's football, not ballet."

Peter on Lite Beer

"i don't get lite beer. either drink real beer, or don't, but don't tease my ass with half-assed beer. i'm sorry, lite beer is like decaf coffee and diet soda: worthless shit that isn't needed within reality."

Peter on Bill Gates

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Peter on Football

"eli* looks like he wants to watch movies with horses in them."

*manning, QB of the NY giants

Peter on Video Game Heros

"dash*, why did you fall? dash, you're a fucking moron. mario, why did you fall off the platform, you stupid bastard?"

*dash rendar, from lucasarts "star wars: shadows of the empire" for the SNES.

Peter on Video Game Violence, Part 2

"to be honest with you it's a way to relax. i know that sounds weird especially if you are yelling and cursing at the screen and throwing the controller, but it's true."

Peter on Video Game Violence

"yes, i get frustrated, i get angry. yes, i've thrown the controller, yes, it happens. does that mean that video games equal violence? i can't draw that connection. yes, you get angry. but you know what? you get angry at your kid, too. tell me there hasn't been a time that anyone who's a parent has wanted to literally just beat the shit outta their kid. tell me that. the only difference is, with a controller, if you throw the controller and if it breaks you go buy a new one. you get mad at the kid, you beat the kid, the kid breaks, you can't buy a new one."

Peter on Audio Recording

"when i'm ready to do it* it** needs to be ready to receive and accept my offering. instead it wants to kick at the pricks, it wants to kick at the offering. it wants to shun the offering. it can't be doing that. i am a fucking genius and when i'm ready to spout my wisdom it needs to be ready to take it."

*record audio
**the audio recording program on the computer

Peter on Anger

"i need my pissed-off-ness to go forth."

Peter on Dale T's Eggs, Part 2

"the problem is he saw the old woman do it once because the old woman is lazy and stupid. so he thought he could do it too. so i go out there and there's eqq shells everywhere - like eight shells in a fuckin' bowl. so today i said to him, i said 'dale T. you see this big blue motherfucker?' and i pointed to the trash can. i said, 'what is this?' he didn't know. i said, ' dale T, that's where the egg shells go, into the trash. they don't go into the bowl!'"

Peter on Dale T's Eggs

"dale T is a stupid egg-eating motherfucker! i don't know where he gets the idea that he can crack his fuckin' eggs and leave the shells all over the kitchen, in coffee mugs and bowls and shit. have you ever left egg shells out with a little egg white? you know what it does? it turns into fucking concrete! you know what it's like trying to scrape that shit outta the bottom of a bowl?"

Peter on School

"the ultimate question is why aren't these kids in school? it's august for God's sake. what are they doing outta school? see, the problem is i never had summer vacation. i was in school 24/7. i was in school all day. back then school was your CAREER, quote unquote. now it's just a hobby to these kids."

Peter on Deer

"they live in the fuckin' forest. there's people out foraging for berries and shit out there. every time we're there somebody will look out the window and yell DEER! dale T be yellin' 'DEEEERR! THERE'S A DEER LOOK AT DA DEEER A DEEEERRRR!' you mention deer in the house people run, honest to fuckin' God. like moses parting the red motherfucking sea. these people, whatever they were doing at the time, whatever they were planning, whatever they had in their hands, STOPPED. whatever the fuck was going on STOPPED. they drop their shit and they run to the fuckin' window. honest to God i have never seen so many people run to a fucking window."

Peter on the Circle of Safety

"my circle of safety extends out to about the roadway. from wherever i'm at to the driveway. you pull into the driveway, you're violating my personal space. that's the type of shit you get the shotgun for."

Peter on Asking Questions

"don't ask me questions that are irrelevant and have no point to reality. you wanna ask me a question, ask me about politics, ask me about religion, ask me about things that are relevant. things that will benefit you and make you a better person - ask me these questions because i have the answers. don't ask me stupid shit."

Peter on Video Game Etiquette

"don't sit there and peek around the corner and ask me stupid questions when i'm playing a video game like 'who's winning?' I'M winning. that's all you need to know."

Peter on Family Visiting

"people don't understand - i'm not like a normal person. i'm not a normal person. i'm not one of these socializing type people. you wanna socialize with me, give me twenty bucks and get the fuck outta my face. that's how i work, that's how i operate. that's my life, that's what i do."

Peter on Visiting Family

"my aunt linda, she wants me to come up to her house and to be honest with you, i don't wanna go. it's nothing personal, nothing against them, nothing against their house. nothing against anything. i just don't wanna leave my house. their house ain't my house and their house ain't got what my house does. i just don't wanna go. i don't wanna go and sit while dale T giggles and bucks out his teeth and giggles some more. that is not what i call a day in the park.

Peter on Country Music, Part 2

"i am not a hillbilly. i don't wanna hear about hillbilly life. i don't give two shits about what a hick goes through on a daily basis; you know: 'excuse me, but my beer's empty', 'can you help me find me a bottle opener?', 'my smokes are gone.' how can people live with this shit and play it 24 hours a day?

Peter on Country Music

"the dude takes a term and puts it with another term and they call it a hit. 'outta da clear blue skyyyy!' and of course, what do they name the song? 'clear blue sky.' uh, hello? it'd be like the little red chevy... LIL' RED CHEVYYYY! na nat nah nana nah na! i mean what the fuck is that?"

Peter on Baby Parties, Part 4

"no. there's absolutely no need for something like that*. unless you are related - closely. 'oh my cousin's sister's uncle's bobbie's cousin's brother...' wha, who? what the fuck? NO! n-n-n-n-no! you don't need to go to that party!"

*attending the birthday party of the offspring of a friend or coworker.

Peter on Baby Parties, Part 3

"nobody in the fucking free world with more than two active brain cells needs to go to a five-year-old's party. especially if you ain't related. if you ain't related, you don't need to be at the kid's party EVER! you understand me? EVER. NEVER EVER EVER NEVER!"

Peter on Baby Parties, Part 2

"you wanna have cake? you know how you do it? you go down to your local walmart, you pick up a four dollar fucking cake, you take it to the house, and you cream each other's lips with it, and you giggle - HA HA HA - and talk about your girlie shit."

Peter on Baby Parties

"a five-year-old kid ain't gonna remember you were at the party. if you need to get together and gab, go to the bitches house on a tuesday, a thursday, a wednesday. you don't need a baby party to go to. it's that simple. you do not need to go to the baby's party just to get together and gab."

Peter on Marriage

"you people spend way too much time together.*"

*spoken in response to a friend who mentioned he had to go pick up his wife.

Peter on Timezones, Part 2

"these people and their fucking timezones! if you wanna move, guess what? WALK AROUND THE FUCKING HOUSE. that's all the fuckin' movement you need for the day. these people who CANNOT find a fuckin' spot and stay the fuck HOME - that's all you gotta do! pick a spot and STAY THE FUCK HOME! that's it. there's no going past go, collecting 200 dollars, you stay the fuck home! no more, no less!"

Peter on Timezones

"why don't these fuckin' people stop moving? it's called find a fucking house, find a fucking abode, and lay the fuck down! put your fuckin' head down in the fuckin' sand and fuckin' PARK IT! that's all you gotta do! PARK YOUR FUCKIN' ASS! i'm sorry, the idea that every one of my fuckin' friends are goddamn nomads is fuckin' pissin' me completely the fuck off! STAY WHERE THE FUCK YOU BE! that's all you gotta do. this up and runnin' shit... that's all that people do is they up and run and then, oh, oh, i gotta cater to every one of their fuckin' whims! it's all 'oh, can you be on at 2:30 am?' FUCK YOU. where the fuck were YOU, where the fuck were YOU, where the fuck were YOU at 10:35 when i was lookin' for you?"

Peter on Armageddon, Part 2

"arma-fuck-geddon is upon us and i want my front row seat for it, dammit!*"

*spoken as a general statement about the state of the world in 21st century america.

Peter on Armageddon

"nothing. just counting off the seconds 'til armageddon.*"

*in response to the question, "what's going on today?"

Peter on Violence

"i'd like to punch him*, too!"

*referring to the less-than-wonderful prospects of a young actor (with horrific teeth, who appeared in a television advertisement for youth diapers) to survive high school unscathed.

Peter on Gainful Employment

"really, i need a fucking income, but tell me what a fat asshole cripple with a lack of concentration can actually get for work?"

Peter on Reality, Part 2

"i need to be taken away from this hell and put in a large room where i can live out the rest of my days."

Peter on Abortion Rights

"sure, i support abortion rights. if i ever did have kids, an abortion would be in order: me!"

Peter on Passion

"i thanked her for understanding my passion... then she died.*"

*spoken in a frank moment several days after his mother died

Peter on Beets and Corn

"you keep the beets AWAY from the corn!"

Peter on Woe, Part 2

"i don't know if i should go lay down and cry, or go lay down and die."

Peter on Communication

"i tend to say shit other people regret hearing!"

Peter on Reality

"i wish i were making this shit up."

Peter on Conferences

"the only conference you need is the one at my bedside"

Peter on Woe

"i take great pride in the fact that i've made grown adults cry"

Peter on Destiny

"you love it*; this was all planned out before time. just get on board and enjoy the ride. me, i'd rather get off - in more than one way - but i guess i have to live it for others' amusement!"

*the woe that is his life.

Peter on Difficult Circumstances

"i've been doing a damn good job with what i don't have!"

Peter on Bladders

"my bladder is good, i just need to find some more shoes to piss in"

Peter on Mario Kart and Jesus

"mario kart and jesus. dude, what more is there?"

Peter on Homosexuality

"i embrace the 'love that dare not speak its name.' not to the point of taking cock in the ass or mouth, but to the point of enjoying the exploits of said love... perhaps."

Peter on "Depends"

"depends are for the shits, and that's what you're giving me with your non-forward thinking."*

*peter, spoken over instant message, in response to a friend who stated: " it depends on a lot... i could buy it** this second but i've got other things to deal with... more money, more problems."

**the x-box 360

Peter on Government

"see, i'm all for my government asking me never to go outside again"

Peter on Dale T's Lusts

"he was standing there in bliss like he just won the lotto!" (referring to dale T's* lust for hobbitses**)

*Dale T is Peter's father. Allegedly.
**Hobbitses refers to the race of pint-sized, rotund, food-focused and adventure-averse creatures called Hobbits that populate British writer and scholar J. R. R. Tolkien's fictional world of Middle Earth. In Tolkien's book, The Lord of the Rings, the character Gollum refers to hobbits as "hobbitses." Because of the pint-sized, rotund, food-focused nature of Dale T's second wife, Peter has deemed her to be a "hobbit" and thus, in anger and woe, often speaks of her as a "hobbitses."

Peter on the Homeless

"see, i could warm up a can of soup for them and play them a clip* and really change their life... tomorrow they'll still be hungry, but the clip will last forever"

*peter is an artist working primarily in audio, typically in the form of .MP3 clips.