Peter on Scalloped Potatoes

"well, it was really soupy!" - gram
"but now it's really burnt and hard, gram!" - peter*

*you don't cook scalloped potatoes on 450 for 5 hours. you just don't.

Peter on Blood

"...there's blood in the corn!*"

*a reference to stephen king's "the stand" and to the fact that peter often rips his gums on the cob of his corn whilst tearing the sweet nuggets from hence.

Peter on Stank

"there is sausage grease and smoky cock smell all over me. it's a rather good smell."

Peter on Winning a Heart, Part 2

"see, the thought was there, and there was food. i'm 400 lbs, there's food. that's how you win me."

Peter on Buffets

"I hate buffets. you stuff your ass, go home, and get hungry an hour or two later. now i'm sitting here looking at a box of 'nutrisystem BBQ sauce over beef, beans and rice' which expired in 2006 and it just ain’t doin’ it for me!"

Peter on Beans

"i opened a can of beans today (using the pop top lid) and the thing blew up. there was a very loud popping sound and beans shot out every which way, hitting the walls, my face and shirt, all over the cupboards, and some even landed on my dog. trust me, i’m not joking. the force fired off like a cannon and thrust the lid into my left index finger, causing me a sharp numb and stingy feeling that lasted for about a half an hour or more."

Peter on Dale T's Lusts

"he was standing there in bliss like he just won the lotto!" (referring to dale T's* lust for hobbitses**)

*Dale T is Peter's father. Allegedly.
**Hobbitses refers to the race of pint-sized, rotund, food-focused and adventure-averse creatures called Hobbits that populate British writer and scholar J. R. R. Tolkien's fictional world of Middle Earth. In Tolkien's book, The Lord of the Rings, the character Gollum refers to hobbits as "hobbitses." Because of the pint-sized, rotund, food-focused nature of Dale T's second wife, Peter has deemed her to be a "hobbit" and thus, in anger and woe, often speaks of her as a "hobbitses."