Peter on Productivity

"my version of productivity is not pissing on myself."

Peter on The Olympics

"it's funny that there are so many olympians from NY state... of course, there ain't much else to do here except risk your life and hope for the best."

Peter on CBS Programing

"watching football on CBS is like watching porn on the family channel; it just doesn't work well."

Peter on Family Trees

"my family tree is a lot like one of those inverted, upside down christmas trees. i'm at the bottom, of course, and much like a football team with cleats, everyone else is just piled up on top of me kickin' and screamin'."

Peter on the Burger King Triple Whopper

"i'll tell you what - holy shit - i started having chest pains while eating the burger king triple whopper... that thing is brutal."

Peter on Friendship

"i'm not 1-800-call-a-buddy."

Peter on Emotions, Part 2

"i'm tearing up!" - gram
"you ain't the only one, gram. i've been holding back a sob or two myself." - peter

Peter on Life, Part 15

"life isn't like a box of chocolates. life is like a bunch of assholes who feel the need to speak."

Peter on Motivation, Part 5

"i'm getting so lazy that waddling out to the mailbox is starting to become too much work!"

Peter on Having Kids

"why would i put my nuts in a blender if i don't need to?"

Peter on Pickup Trucks

"i'd rather* stick batteries up my anus instead."

*rather than drive a pickup truck. he continued: "i say that, because A) dale t (peter's father) just bought a pick up truck and i wish he'd stick batteries up his anus, and B) john was standing next to the Vaseline.

Peter on Good Times

"my back broke, my microwave broke, my spirit broke... good times!!"

Peter on Hope, Part 2

"i got jack shit... actually, i didn't even get that much."

Peter on Bill Gates, Part 2

"google “bill fuck gates“ and tell me he can't afford better hair."

Peter on Satanic Protection

"i'd rather throw it* over my left nut!"

*salt, to ward off the evil one

Peter on Destiny

"i'm not a real man, i'm a prosser."

Peter on Blood

"...there's blood in the corn!*"

*a reference to stephen king's "the stand" and to the fact that peter often rips his gums on the cob of his corn whilst tearing the sweet nuggets from hence.

Peter on Procreation

"if you insist on having kids, and know deep down inside that the kid is ugly, please dont be taking pictures. you know a child with jagged buckteeth is NOT cute!!!"

Peter on Camping, Part 2

"you take the worse parts of your family, and then magnify them a thousand fold, and then put them with a bunch of cranky motherfuckers in a stinky, bug-infested dirt-filled fuck hole, and then expect everybody to have a good time... that's camping to me."

Peter on Wilderness Lust

"that sounds like a plan if your house burns down and you're out in the boondocks and you got no family nearby and no transportation! you don't do it because it's fun! you don't do it because you want to get away! you don't do it... because you don't do it!*"

spoken in response to the notion of someone suggesting "let's go sit outside, roast some marshmallows, have ourselves a camp fire!"