Peter on Bowling

"dude, if you've got time to bowl, you've got time to get kicked in da nutz! it's a fact: write it down, then look it up!"

Peter on The North

"there ain't nothing up north but canada, cold, and bullshit."

Peter on Patrick Swayze

"patrick swayze makes any woman feel like a woman... hell, he even makes me feel like a woman."

Peter on the Dirty Dancing "Limited Keepsake Edition" DVD

"it's actually a nice little package. though every time i look it over i feel my manhood shrivling up into nothingness."

Peter on Drugs

"dude, i haven't blinked in like 10 minutes. wooooooooooo!"

Peter on Favre's Wrangler Ads

"i hate favre's pants ads. now, if he were selling pants for cars i might be more interested."

Peter on Age Is How You Feel

"i'm getting old: i can't get enough of canned peaches and fruit."

Peter on Drugs

"i love endorphins. because while i eat, i don't feel anything."

Peter on Politics

"yes, you do have politics! you got the politics of pissing me off!"

Peter on Christmas Gifts

"i find it so sweet that your mother gave you something video game related for christmas for the very first time...takes me back to 1984!"

Peter on Halo Reach

"brace for carnage? i've already been braced for carnage for 33
years, sir"

Peter on Halo Reach

"brace for carnage? i've already been carnalized, goddamn it!"

Peter on Living in the Middle of Nowhere

"I FUCKING ALREADY KNOW THAT, ASSHOLE, I DON'T NEED IT RUBBED INTO MY
NUTS LIKE A SMELLY DIAPER!!"

Peter on Fatherhood

"what exactly is a "full time dad"? does just living in the home, equal "full time"? i mean, shit, dale T was at home all the time and yet wouldn't be called a full time anything..."

Peter on The King

"i'd be happy just to meet the king, much less get a kinect from him... but don't get me wrong; he better show up with a kinect and a whopper to boot."

Peter on Classic Lines

"'those aren't pillows!'* is one of the best lines in human history!"

*from "plains, trains and automobiles"

Peter on Dinner Rolls

"my dinner rolls are cowards. i just took them out and they are already cooling and have yet to actually melt the butter. what do you expect from french rolls?"

Peter on God

"i'm really only looking for someone who can pull a few cosmic strings for me; that's pretty much all i'm looking for in a god."

Peter on Cell Phones

"when you don't like people and they clearly don't like you, not having a cell phone really seems to work out for the best."

Peter on Love

"romance is the easy part, it's reality that gets in the way."

Peter on Disagreements

"you'll probably disagree and give me shit, but just know that at the end of the day, you are wrong."

Peter on Hogan's Balls After Realizing That They Were Actually Concealed

"see, i loved the "not knowing" part. i mean, with jimmy hart sitting there oblivious to the hulkster's shriveled sack falling out was an instant classic. it's like knowing how a trick is done while at the magic show; it just takes all the joy out of it. now, on the flip side, if jimmy started flashing the shit out of people, that would be a scandal."

Peter on Playing Call of Duty on the Wii Rather Than the Xbox360

"it's like getting bologna and cheese when you ordered steak and taters."

Peter on Call of Duty for the Wii

"i don't understand why anyone would buy it on the wii anyway... it would be like eating steak with a plastic fork and a dixie cup."

Peter on the Gap Theory

"it made me want to renounce my feeling on human value."

Peter on Contemporary Art

"...it was kinda hard not to be distracted by cocks... and goofy-ass mouth-pies."

Peter on Nudity

"no, no, it's called SIN!"

Peter on Madden

"i miss madden, but i don't miss madden."

Peter on Salad

"I feel like my gut is about to burst, like in aliens. It's full of tossed fuck salad and pepsi and I'm relaly happy about all that."

Peter on Yodeling

"i don't understand why christians are all cock-bent over the idea that God loves yodeling. if God loves yodeling, then i don't love God."

Peter on Country Music

"hey, if chuck-fuck-norris likes a lil twangin' now and then, who am i to argue with the man?"

Peter on Traveling to Visit Family

"i know you are already regretting it! you can lie and tell me otherwise, but after a few more days you'll want to put a sandblaster to your face just to try and dull the pain."

Peter on Dealing With the Elderly

"forget what you THINK the bible says about dealing with old people! the fact is that the bible never met gram and the truth is if god loves her so he can take her home any fucking time. you notice she's still here... he hasnt come to get her yet; take that however you want to!"

Peter on Microsoft

"i think microsoft should buy the US postal service. at least that way it would have a reason for sucking so bad."

Peter on Plastic Packaging

"WHO IN THE BLUEFUCK THINKS THAT THEY ARE ACTUALLY SAVING MOTHER EARTH BY CUTTING A QUARTER OF AN INCH OF PLASTICK OUT OF MY DAMN DVD CASES? god damn them all to hell!!!"

Peter on Pain

"i'm just asking for a little bit of help here, not for god to move the mountians and part the fucking seas, just a kick to the nuts once in a while to dull the pain!"

Peter on Joran Van der Sloot

"why is a guy named 'vander-slooot' killing people? we should kill him just for his last name!"

Peter on the Summer

"my summer was the same as my winter: it sucked ass!"

Peter on Thinking

"after my mouth stopped moving my thought process was over, sir!"

Peter on Cleanliness

"i try and keep things clean, sir... as well as a 400 lb worthless cripple can!"

Peter on Bob Barker

"if bob fuck barker started yodeling all hell would break loose!"

Peter on Gaming

"i will say that taking vicodine and playing mario kart (or tetris ds online) is one of the sweeter things in life...i don't always win but, damn it, i feel good!"

Peter on Grilling

"damn it, i'm a man; i need to grill shit!"

Peter on Country Music

"why do hicks think that they can bring peace to the world through country music? if anything is does the exact opposite."

Peter on Kosher Foods

"kosher hotdogs? listen: hot dogs are NEVER kosher. never ever ever never! i don't care if they are made by jews, made for jews, or made of jews, they ain't kosher!"

Peter on Canned Pasta

"i'm sorry, if you're eating canned pasta, you ain't going for healthy and kosher!"

Peter on Gaming

"i envision a world where there are no load-fuck-times!"

Peter on Gaming

"see, i'm not a winner in real life so i need to be a winner in gaming."

Peter on Country Music

kenny rogers: he's the only hick i like... him and johnny cash!

Peter on Disability

"either i've got ALS, or there's something wrong with my controllers..."

Peter on Graziano

"seriously, with a name like graziano you can't help but taste the oregano."

Peter on Skin Care

"it's not good when you've sat so long that your shorts have started to meld with your genitalia... kinda like when you've slept on your arm, and there is an imprint of the sheet in your skin..."

Peter on Children

"See, for the record, I only hate children collectively in the comedic sense, not individually, so I don't "hate your kids," unless they are screaming and acting stupid for little to no reason."

Peter on Bob Dole

"bob dole: glorified pen holder"

Peter on the Future, Not

"instead of flying cars, we've got those little-cock-car hybrids that look like you're tooling around in gary colman's penis!"

Peter on The Olympics, Part 3

"i think that you have to have one nut in the grave to male figure skater."

Peter on The Olympics, Part 2

"scott hamilton has the gayest voice in history of gayness."

Peter on Productivity

"my version of productivity is not pissing on myself."

Peter on Rice Crispy Treats

"i have 4 boxes of rice fuck crispys and no milk... talk about being screwed."

Peter on The Olympics

"it's funny that there are so many olympians from NY state... of course, there ain't much else to do here except risk your life and hope for the best."

Peter on Football, Part 6

"i want to see the saints go down, only because they annoy me... damn it, these mardi-gras motherfuckers are givin' me the shits."

Peter on Bare-Chestedness

"ugly women shouldn't show their tits, even in jest."

Peter on CBS Programing

"watching football on CBS is like watching porn on the family channel; it just doesn't work well."

Peter on Fulfillment

"i'm bent over sideways with excitement.*"

*what peter said after relating to his friend that he was soon to take receipt of a widescreen TV, a meal from burger king, and an episode of online game play via xbox live.

Peter on Gram's Birthday

"last year it just sort of happened. i walked by the carrot cake, it looked good, i wanted some, and BOOM - we had a party."

Peter on Family Trees

"my family tree is a lot like one of those inverted, upside down christmas trees. i'm at the bottom, of course, and much like a football team with cleats, everyone else is just piled up on top of me kickin' and screamin'."

Peter on the Burger King Triple Whopper

"i'll tell you what - holy shit - i started having chest pains while eating the burger king triple whopper... that thing is brutal."

Peter on Salted Nuts

"this might be the prosser in me talking, but damn it... i sure do love me some salted nuts!"