Peter on Hope, Part 3

"now if only i could find a woman with big tits to believe and say the same thing...*"

*comment by peter after a friend said, "you're a bastard and i love it."

Peter on The Sea

"there's nothing off the coast you need! there's sperm-semen all over the place!"

Peter on Deez Nutz

"anyone can be the god of deez nutz."

Peter on Not Regretting Regrets

"i probably shouldn't have told the case worker "fuck you" that time, but goddamn it was liberating."

Peter on Foolishness

"if i put my nuts in a blender and hit puree - i ain't got a reason to wonder why i can't procreate anymore."

Peter on God, Part 3

"i can't tell you that there is a god. but i can tell you there are a whole bunch of sorry excuses for human beings who want there to be a reason for their existence."

Peter on School, Part 2

"mrs. prosser will whup some ass, but mr prosser wont' do shit. mr prosser be sitting on the couch watching westerns and eating beans.*"

*peter, upon recalling getting a note home to his parents which was addressed to his father, as opposed to his mother. his mother actually wore the pants in the family.

Peter on The Bible Code

"i'm not INTO the bible code, i just want to see if it comes true."

Peter on Motivation, Part 2

"if you're gonna be an asshole, be the biggest one you can be."

Peter on The Work of The Devil

"if TV is the work of the devil then so is the sofa."

Peter on P0rn, Part 4

"do you understand what internet porn has done for the industry of life?"

Peter on Lara Croft From Tomb Raider

"what does this make it now, about the 5th time they've retooled her? i wouldn't mind retooling her either, but that story is for another time."

Peter on Homosexuality, Part 2

"my take on homosexuality: what is the point?

if homosexuality is right, and normal, and 'how you were born' then shut the fuck up about it. really. who pisses their pants over the fact that the grass is green? if it’s so normal, then people need to start acting like it! i mean, i have 10 toes, yet you don’t see me standing naked up on the roof yelling for all to hear about how grand it is that my digits are all intact!"

Peter on Attention

"if all you're doing is listening to this,* you're hurting for something. you're looking for something and you ain't gonna find it!"

*a particularly lengthy and pointlessly meandering bitch clip made by peter

Peter on Gram, Part 2

"for some reason my ramblings have gotten more incoherent the more i've had to deal with gram."

Peter on The Unknown

"you can't know how great the unknown is because, uh, it's the unknown. so to me the whole concept of God is very stupid to me. i'm not saying anything against God, i'm just saying that the concept thereof is very stupid to me because you can't understand the concept of how great the unknown is if you can't comprehend how FUCKIN' GREAT THE UNKNOWN IS!"

Peter on Important Questions

"two very important questions:
1) why do electric can opens never to, you know, open anything?
2) why am i the only one going through life pondering that very first question?"

Peter on Comfort

"the last place i ever felt settled was the womb."

Peter on Eggnog

"the dog* goes nuts over eggnog. like off the fuckin' walls. eggnog is like crack cocaine for dogs."

*peter's dog, lucy.

Peter on Horoscopes

"so my horoscope today read: 'with your wit, charm and verbal communication skills you could set the right heart aflutter and start a new romance that could last forever.' and i'm thinking to myself, 'shit, the only heart i've made flutter lately was my own the last time i ate a jelly filled doughnut!'"