Peter on The Love of God

"God loves the tranny more than He loves you for being a fucking asshole!"

Peter on Charities

"Where's the Angry Fucking Cripple charity?!?!?"

Peter on The Shaft

"I'm getting shafted every second of every day!"

Peter on Stressful Lifestyles

"You need to tone the fuck down. Everything else needs to be put on hold...either that or you die."

Peter on Matt's Commentary

"I see the lips flappin' but you don't have any clue what you're saying."

Peter on Gram and Inflation

"She wanted me to paint the kitchen for $5 like it was 1935 or something. I said, 'Gram, I'll do it for $50, I'll even cut ya a break; I'll do the whole kitchen for 35 bucks.' She thought that was outlandish. She said, 'EETER YA GONNA PAINT MA KITCHEN? I'LL GIVE YE FIVE DOLLARZ' and I said, 'Gram, Jesus. It's called inflation. It's called inflation, woman. INFLATION. Five dollars ain't going nowhere!'"

Peter on Johnny Carson Again

"Johnny Carson was the equivalent of Jaws; you wanted to see Johnny!"

Peter on Johnny Carson

"Johnny Carson was a fucking miracle!"

Peter on I Have A Dream at 50

The dream, is just that...a dream, it can never be achieved without serious kick in the collective slacks!

When a 400 pound crippled man with a cane gets scoffed at while walking down the chip aisle of the local store or...

When a single mother gets treated like a destroyer of the American Dream because she doesn't have a father in her children's' lives (Like his participation wasn't desired?!)

Like a case of the shits; some things are just out of our control.

The dream will never be realized when someone working two jobs and who still needs food stamps to make ends meet are treated like second class citizens.

'If you don't work, you don't eat' - well, maybe someone should tell that to Congress! A person's content of character is easy to scold when you are looking down from your ivory towers wondering why they feel jilted. It's easy to engage in real 'class warfare' as you sit behind your cameras and microphones calling them 'lazy,' and 'victims' while collecting a very nice paycheck. Showing empathy for your fellow man is not Un-American in fact, it is the most American, most godly thing one can do. All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God; Love they neighbor as you would love yourself. Don't do it for your political party, do it because it's right. Do it for Christ, follow His example and simply: Do. What. Is. Right!

Peter on Effective Parenting

"I was frying eggs while standing on a chair at age 2. I knew my parents were worthless and that I'd have to fend for myself even at that tender age."

Peter on This Day in History

"So wait, on this day in history, Woman got the right to vote and it's also National Dog Day? Well, ain't that a bitch!"

Peter on Alternate Universe Dreams

"I just had a dream from an alternate universe! In the dream the mail had just arrived and I open a package to see that I had bought some DVD's. After looking them over I say to someone in the dream, "I already have all these, why did I buy them?" Just then, I looked down at the format: HD-DVD! Those who don't know, back in early 2000's there was a format war between the Sony backed Blu-ray (which own, obviously) and the Microsoft backed HD-DVD. I then see the MS logo, I sarcastically said 'eff this reality!' and I woke up! The movies were all from John Carpenter; one was Ghosts of Mars and the covers were generic lame-ass red-ish color. It was a very sad universe!"

Peter on Touchscreen Technology

"Can anyone remember back in the Stone Age when we had buttons and when we pushed them, they worked?! Now it's all that damn touchscreen crap *TAP-TAP-TAP-TAP-TAP* and nothin'!"

Peter on Good Band Names

"I think 'Take Me Out To The John' would be a great name for a band."

Peter on Professional Help

"I really should seek professional help...actually, I did, and the woman said, 'We can't help you here with what you need!' I wish this were a joke, but it actually happened back in '06."

Peter on Dead Coma Life

"Have you ever had one of those days you just wish you were dead? And by 'days,' I means 'lives,' and by 'dead,' I really mean 'coma?' That's my life every waking moment."

Peter on Fatal Attraction

"I attract weird women, en mass. These women are like, way outside my class. Let's be honest. I'm barely a 2.5 to 3. Some of these women are like 6, 7, some closer to 8. But these women fall for me and I don't get it! I'm a firm believer - there ain't nothing here you need, ain't nothing here you want! But these women, they fall - WHOOOOO - they fall! Fatal attraction! OK! That one bitch was stalking me! She. Was. Stalking. Me."

Peter on Attraction

"You don't send me a woman with a fucking mullet!"

Peter on Sexual Abstinence

"Bitch, I wouldn't touch you with SOMEBODY ELSE'S dick!!"

Peter on Phone Usage

"If I gotta be the phone long enough for the phone to make my ear all red and hot and stingy, that means I'm on the phone way too much, i don't wanna be on the phone, get the fuck off my phone!"

Peter on Metallica's 'Unforgiven 2'

"'Unforgiven 2' - are you kidding me? I mean, you put a fucking '2' at the end of the song; are you kidding me? The first 'Unforgiven' was OK. It was good. And then they added a sequel? How the fuck you have a sequel to a song? I mean, that right there just proved that they didn't know what the fuck they were doing!"

Peter on Metallica

"Metallica hasn't been relevant since Napster!"

Peter on Country Music Norms

"It's generic bullshit and everybody sings the same stuff!"

Peter on Country Music - More

"Country Music speaks to the primal dumb-ass-ness of you that knows deep down inside YOU WILL BE NOTHING! You know that your life sucks! So you listen to the shit because you're on the same shit crick river! You get that, you understand that!"

Peter on Hillbillies

"Hillbillies have nothing to live for!"

Peter on the Effects of Country Music

"Country Music is a little bit different. There's something about Country Music that goes beyond that part of your brain that understands what's being sung. And it goes deeper - roots deeper - and rots part of it, chunks part of it, and just shits on it. That's what it does. It just shits on your brain. Country Music literally goes into your ears, and it finds a place in your brain, and it just shits. It just pops a turd right in there. And let's face it - most people who like Country Music are shitheads anyway. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! Anybody and their monkey could make country music!"

Peter on Country Music Again

"There is a primal part of your brain that has not evolved properly and that's where Country Music come from. You can relate to a fat ugly bitch with four homely kids. You can relate to that because you're a fucking loser!!"

Peter on Country Music

"Country Music comes from the most primal part of your brain. Two seconds and you've got a hit."

Peter on Circadian Rhythms

"I woke up just so I could take a nap..."

Peter on Phone Calls

"I don't know anyone in Clayton, NY so I don't answer the phone."

Peter on Regular

"Nothing says 'regular' like a shitfaced grin..."

Peter on Vacuuming Concerns

"That awkward moment when you smell smoke coming from your vacuum...doesn't the thing realize that I'm going to power through anyway!? I got a job to do, I don't have time for pit stops...what is this, nASScar?"

Peter on Passwords

"Every clown in New Delhi with a computer knows my password, yet I don't!"

Peter on Meatballz

"Ah'z be makin' meatballz! I've been needing one of these for months now and finally broke down and got one."

Peter on Getting Hot Girls

"Getting hot girls isn't my problem, dealing with their bullshit, however, is! It doesn't matter how big your... wallet is, there ain't no secrets to help anyone with that!" 

Peter on Mass Communications

"I posted it for everyone to see, dumbass! Not just for."*

*This is a direct quote from Peter. The editors are not sure why he wanted it to end with "for" but we have been told not to embellish his quotations with any corrections of "jots" or "tittles".

Peter on DIE-AH-BEAD-IZ

Peter on Fast Food Salads

"Who goes to Burger King or any other fast food restaurant expecting to order a salad? If you do, you should be punched in the face until you realize just how wrong and stupid you actually are!"

Peter on Dispensation

"I hear the word 'dispensation' and I wanna go put jello on my testicles and punch myself in the face."

Peter on the Beauty of God

"You think you know? No, you're wrong! It doesn't matter! That's the beauty of God: God is gonna look at you and say, 'You are fucking wrong!' You could literally be sitting on God's lap, looking Him in the eye, and He's gonna say, 'Motherfucker, you're wrong. You're not actually sitting here right now. You think you're sitting here, but you don't know shit!' You don't know what the fuck you're talking about; that's the beauty of God. That's the beauty. No matter what you think you know, it don't mean shit!"

Peter on Knowing God

"If You're on another plane of existence that I can't grasp then You have no validity! I've said this before: if God is not a conceptual understanding that I can get, then He means nothing! I'm sorry! He's like, 'I'm the God of the universe and I know everything; i know the beginning from the end!' - well, then you should know I didn't get the shit, motherfucker! You should understand I don't fuckin' get it! 'Well, it's your fault that you didn't get it' - Oh, it's my fault that You wrote something that I didn't get? Oh, OK, sorry; I'll see You in hell then."

Peter on Writing

"Listen, if you're going to write a book and it ain't gonna make a lick of sense, then what's the point? OK? I'm gonna write a book and type out 'DUCK-UH, DUCK-UH, DUCK-UH, DUUUH!' and if you can't grasp what DUCK-UH, DUCK-UH, DUUUH! means then, guess what, I failed as a writer! Did I not? Yes, I did.'"

Peter on the Message of Jesus

"He came to preach to those motherfuckers that they were wrong! He basically said 'I rebuke you, motherfucker! You're wrong! Do it this way! That's what you're supposed to be teaching the people!' That's what He said."

Peter on Jots and Tittles

"I hate the word 'jot' and I hate the word 'tittle'! They irritate me. Those are more words that are being stricken! No more jot and tittles! Oh, God - every time I hear the words 'jot' and 'tittles' I just want to punch something, ok. I'll give you a jot and a tittle, motherfucker, and you ain't gonna like it - it's called a size 13!"

Peter on Feeding the Five Thousand

"Fine, fuck you, I'll feed you! Fed the five thousand!"

Peter on The Most Recent Boil Water Advisory

"Dude, it's Upstate NY! When is there NOT a boil water advisory?! I distill mine! You should see all the crap in there on a 'good' day!"

Peter on Quoting His Sayings

"You can't just make up your own quotes about what you think I said!? I said what I meant and meant what I said...sir!"

Peter on Sexting with Anthony Weiner, Part 2

"Poor Anthony! But he stopped before deciding to run for mayor...what more do you want!? He's just a scumbag...he acts like such a bastard. His wife is hot! Love your wife Weiner! Sext your wife Weiner, you'll love it...better yet, she'll love it too!"

Peter on Sexting with Anthony Weiner, Part 1

"Sexting is one thing, but doing it while you're married is BS! As Chris Mathews said, 'Apparently Weiner has been sending naked pictures of himself to thousands of random strangers!' ...I might run for Mayor!"

Peter on The Royal Birth

"Another Royal suckhole just shat out into the world! What exactly do they do other than breed nerdy men who get to sleep with beautiful women? Everyone knows that if these geeks had to go to a real high school here in America that their heads would be shoved into toilets and their lunch money stolen!"

Peter on His Horoscope Telling Him to Slow Down

"If I go any slower than normal I'll be traveling backwards in time... this can't be good!"

Peter on George Zimmerman, Trayvon Martin, and Sean Hannity

"Yeah, fuckstick got a broken nose, Trayvon got a body bag... Sean Hannity seems to think thats ok."

Peter on AWOL Friends

"That slightly awkward moment when you just happen to glance over at your friends list to see that 5 of them are missing... and you didn't notice or even care!"

Peter on Gifts That Keep on Giving

"I think my father might be in for a rude awakening! I can't seem to locate my 'Grandma's Effin' Potato Salad' (I added the 'effin' for flavor), and it might be in the back of his truck... and it should be warm tomorrow,  too. Whole pound of that shit is gone - $4 worth, rotting in the back of his truck."

Peter on Guns

"Remember, hillbillies: what goes up, must come down... YEE-HAAAA!"

Peter on Dinner Sadness

"I bought everything to make meatball subs, but found out they were out of the frozen ones. My back hurt too much to go back around to buy hamburger to make them the old fashioned way. Rolls, sauce, cheese, all for naught! — feeling sad."

Peter on A Good Day's Work

"Have fun at work! I'm off to try and roll over and pray I make it to the bathroom before pissing myself! To each his own!"

Peter on Share Worthy Info, Part 1

"Peter shared Burger King's photo"

Peter on Sciatic Pain

"I wish I could get people to grasp what Sciatic Nerve pain actually is. When we are at the store, my father is like: "Just take your time," and "You need to get out and walk around a lil bit" ...yeah, and why don't you just get out and "walk around" my dick a few times! Honestly, does anyone have a clue what having spasms shooting up and down your right leg, to the point where it's just bobbling back and forth uncontrollably like and old sea worthy sea captain!? Or that just trying to roll over illicits such sharp pain that you don't even hear yourself screaming!? Or having your lower back so hobbled up that the only way to straighten it is to plant your feet into a doorway and with your arms, push it back into place! Thankfully, it doesn't act up all the time, but when it does, it's 3 to 4 weeks of pure bullshit!"