Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Peter on Getting Hot Girls

"Getting hot girls isn't my problem, dealing with their bullshit, however, is! It doesn't matter how big your... wallet is, there ain't no secrets to help anyone with that!" 

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Peter on Mass Communications

"I posted it for everyone to see, dumbass! Not just for."*

*This is a direct quote from Peter. The editors are not sure why he wanted it to end with "for" but we have been told not to embellish his quotations with any corrections of "jots" or "tittles".


Thursday, July 25, 2013

Peter on Fast Food Salads

"Who goes to Burger King or any other fast food restaurant expecting to order a salad? If you do, you should be punched in the face until you realize just how wrong and stupid you actually are!"

Peter on Dispensation

"I hear the word 'dispensation' and I wanna go put jello on my testicles and punch myself in the face."

Peter on the Beauty of God

"You think you know? No, you're wrong! It doesn't matter! That's the beauty of God: God is gonna look at you and say, 'You are fucking wrong!' You could literally be sitting on God's lap, looking Him in the eye, and He's gonna say, 'Motherfucker, you're wrong. You're not actually sitting here right now. You think you're sitting here, but you don't know shit!' You don't know what the fuck you're talking about; that's the beauty of God. That's the beauty. No matter what you think you know, it don't mean shit!"

Peter on Knowing God

"If You're on another plane of existence that I can't grasp then You have no validity! I've said this before: if God is not a conceptual understanding that I can get, then He means nothing! I'm sorry! He's like, 'I'm the God of the universe and I know everything; i know the beginning from the end!' - well, then you should know I didn't get the shit, motherfucker! You should understand I don't fuckin' get it! 'Well, it's your fault that you didn't get it' - Oh, it's my fault that You wrote something that I didn't get? Oh, OK, sorry; I'll see You in hell then."

Peter on Writing

"Listen, if you're going to write a book and it ain't gonna make a lick of sense, then what's the point? OK? I'm gonna write a book and type out 'DUCK-UH, DUCK-UH, DUCK-UH, DUUUH!' and if you can't grasp what DUCK-UH, DUCK-UH, DUUUH! means then, guess what, I failed as a writer! Did I not? Yes, I did.'"

Peter on the Message of Jesus

"He came to preach to those motherfuckers that they were wrong! He basically said 'I rebuke you, motherfucker! You're wrong! Do it this way! That's what you're supposed to be teaching the people!' That's what He said."

Peter on Jots and Tittles

"I hate the word 'jot' and I hate the word 'tittle'! They irritate me. Those are more words that are being stricken! No more jot and tittles! Oh, God - every time I hear the words 'jot' and 'tittles' I just want to punch something, ok. I'll give you a jot and a tittle, motherfucker, and you ain't gonna like it - it's called a size 13!"

Peter on Feeding the Five Thousand

"Fine, fuck you, I'll feed you! Fed the five thousand!"

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Peter on The Most Recent Boil Water Advisory

"Dude, it's Upstate NY! When is there NOT a boil water advisory?! I distill mine! You should see all the crap in there on a 'good' day!"

Peter on Quoting His Sayings

"You can't just make up your own quotes about what you think I said!? I said what I meant and meant what I said...sir!"

Peter on Sexting with Anthony Weiner, Part 2

"Poor Anthony! But he stopped before deciding to run for mayor...what more do you want!? He's just a scumbag...he acts like such a bastard. His wife is hot! Love your wife Weiner! Sext your wife Weiner, you'll love it...better yet, she'll love it too!"

Peter on Sexting with Anthony Weiner, Part 1

"Sexting is one thing, but doing it while you're married is BS! As Chris Mathews said, 'Apparently Weiner has been sending naked pictures of himself to thousands of random strangers!' ...I might run for Mayor!"

Monday, July 22, 2013

Peter on The Royal Birth

"Another Royal suckhole just shat out into the world! What exactly do they do other than breed nerdy men who get to sleep with beautiful women? Everyone knows that if these geeks had to go to a real high school here in America that their heads would be shoved into toilets and their lunch money stolen!"

Peter on His Horoscope Telling Him to Slow Down

"If I go any slower than normal I'll be traveling backwards in time... this can't be good!"

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Peter on George Zimmerman, Trayvon Martin, and Sean Hannity

"Yeah, fuckstick got a broken nose, Trayvon got a body bag... Sean Hannity seems to think thats ok."

Friday, July 19, 2013

Peter on AWOL Friends

"That slightly awkward moment when you just happen to glance over at your friends list to see that 5 of them are missing... and you didn't notice or even care!"

Peter on Gifts That Keep on Giving

"I think my father might be in for a rude awakening! I can't seem to locate my 'Grandma's Effin' Potato Salad' (I added the 'effin' for flavor), and it might be in the back of his truck... and it should be warm tomorrow,  too. Whole pound of that shit is gone - $4 worth, rotting in the back of his truck."

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Peter on Guns

"Remember, hillbillies: what goes up, must come down... YEE-HAAAA!"

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Peter on Dinner Sadness

"I bought everything to make meatball subs, but found out they were out of the frozen ones. My back hurt too much to go back around to buy hamburger to make them the old fashioned way. Rolls, sauce, cheese, all for naught!feeling sad."

Monday, July 15, 2013

Peter on A Good Day's Work

"Have fun at work! I'm off to try and roll over and pray I make it to the bathroom before pissing myself! To each his own!"

Peter on Share Worthy Info, Part 1

"Peter shared Burger King's photo"

Peter on Sciatic Pain

"I wish I could get people to grasp what Sciatic Nerve pain actually is. When we are at the store, my father is like: "Just take your time," and "You need to get out and walk around a lil bit" ...yeah, and why don't you just get out and "walk around" my dick a few times! Honestly, does anyone have a clue what having spasms shooting up and down your right leg, to the point where it's just bobbling back and forth uncontrollably like and old sea worthy sea captain!? Or that just trying to roll over illicits such sharp pain that you don't even hear yourself screaming!? Or having your lower back so hobbled up that the only way to straighten it is to plant your feet into a doorway and with your arms, push it back into place! Thankfully, it doesn't act up all the time, but when it does, it's 3 to 4 weeks of pure bullshit!"