Peter on Hope, Part 3

"now if only i could find a woman with big tits to believe and say the same thing...*"

*comment by peter after a friend said, "you're a bastard and i love it."

Peter on Independence, Part 2

"when you find yourself laying in a pool of your own blood and piss, guess what? independence day is over, and will smith ain't coming to the rescue! you have to face facts: you're old and worthless! time to die."

Peter on Friendship

"i'm not 1-800-call-a-buddy."

Peter on Emotions, Part 2

"i'm tearing up!" - gram
"you ain't the only one, gram. i've been holding back a sob or two myself." - peter

Peter on Independence

"you don't have independence when you're falling off the porta-potty... you just don't."

Peter on Scalloped Potatoes

"well, it was really soupy!" - gram
"but now it's really burnt and hard, gram!" - peter*

*you don't cook scalloped potatoes on 450 for 5 hours. you just don't.

Peter on The Grand Scheme

"my grand scheme is to move the fuck outta new york! i hate this fuckin' idiotic state!"

Peter on Life, Part 15

"life isn't like a box of chocolates. life is like a bunch of assholes who feel the need to speak."

Peter on The Family Guy

"the family guy is another reason that the aliens won't come here and give us their technology."

Peter on Cats and Dogs

"dogs love butter. cats love knocking shit off the table... computers, mostly."

he continues: "it's true; dogs have an affinity for butter, and cats like knocking shit off the table. so if you have a cat and a dog, the cat'll knock the butter dish off the table and the dog will go nuts. it's like a tandem of buttery goodness gone awry."

Peter on Emotions

"i don't get lonely, i get annoyed."

Peter on Motivation, Part 5

"i'm getting so lazy that waddling out to the mailbox is starting to become too much work!"

Peter on Shopping, Part 2

"i'm sorry, aisle 3 is for toilet paper and dish soap, not toddlers with mini shopping carts!"

Peter on Having Kids

"why would i put my nuts in a blender if i don't need to?"

Peter on Shopping

"this is why the aliens wont come and give us all their knowledge: because of our fucking usage of NASCAR shopping carts for kids."

Peter on Family Ties

"when i say that i HATE my family, i simply mean that love them with unconditional attitude."

Peter on Football, Part 5

"men should never touch other men's asses"

Peter on Pickup Trucks

"i'd rather* stick batteries up my anus instead."

*rather than drive a pickup truck. he continued: "i say that, because A) dale t (peter's father) just bought a pick up truck and i wish he'd stick batteries up his anus, and B) john was standing next to the Vaseline.

Peter on Football, Part 4

"seeing morgan freeman commercials during football makes my nipples hard."

Peter on "The Reaping"

"i just got done watching The Reaping and it's an interesting movie. a little simple, yes, but not without its twists.

hillary swank is fucking awesome in this movie. here, she's the hottest that i've ever seen her. great T and A action going on; she kinda looks like t'pol from enterprise, but not as gangly and way hotter... if that were possible.

anyway, "The Reaping" is worth renting just to see her breasty tank top number."

Peter on Motivation, Part 4

"i'm just saying: i want fries with my drink and i want balls with my slacks. chop, chop, now!"

Peter on Iran

"i say if iran wants some nukes... let's give them a few dozen."

Peter on Good Times

"my back broke, my microwave broke, my spirit broke... good times!!"

Peter on New York State

"we need to change new york state from "new york", to NEW FUCK! instead of calling it "upstate," call it UP FUCK! instead of NY, NY, call it fuckfuck, FU. instead of nyc, call it newFUCKcity."

Peter on Hope, Part 2

"i got jack shit... actually, i didn't even get that much."

Peter on Bill Gates, Part 2

"google “bill fuck gates“ and tell me he can't afford better hair."

Peter on Bill Gates

"only pain and suffering are down this road my friend*"

*going back to a PC after the mac died

Peter on Satanic Protection

"i'd rather throw it* over my left nut!"

*salt, to ward off the evil one

Peter on Destiny

"i'm not a real man, i'm a prosser."

Peter on Blood

"...there's blood in the corn!*"

*a reference to stephen king's "the stand" and to the fact that peter often rips his gums on the cob of his corn whilst tearing the sweet nuggets from hence.

Peter on Clothing

"when you're topping about 400, the term “one size fits all“ doesn't really apply any more!"

Peter on Eunuchs

"eunuchs are not cool."

Peter on Procreation

"if you insist on having kids, and know deep down inside that the kid is ugly, please dont be taking pictures. you know a child with jagged buckteeth is NOT cute!!!"

Peter on Wellbeing

"i feel like crap, but ironically, look like crap, too... so i guess it all evens out sideways somehow."

Peter on Life, Part 14

"well, life would be worth living then!"*

*...i went to the doctors and he asked me "if life was worth living," and i said, "i guess so why?" he then tells that i should get a scooter, so say to him, "well life would be worth living then!" i don't think he got that i was joking.

Peter on Twitter

"why are there word limits in 2009?"

Peter on Life Without the Internet

"being without the internet feels like dying and finding out that god is cap'in lou wit' rubber bands on his face/neck/breast/chest and head."

Peter on The Sea

"there's nothing off the coast you need! there's sperm-semen all over the place!"

Peter on Being

"i want to be in a place where i can see and i can shower and i can shit!"

Peter on The North

"fuck going up north! there ain't nothing up north but canada and bullshit!"

Peter on Camping, Part 2

"you take the worse parts of your family, and then magnify them a thousand fold, and then put them with a bunch of cranky motherfuckers in a stinky, bug-infested dirt-filled fuck hole, and then expect everybody to have a good time... that's camping to me."

Peter on Wilderness Lust

"that sounds like a plan if your house burns down and you're out in the boondocks and you got no family nearby and no transportation! you don't do it because it's fun! you don't do it because you want to get away! you don't do it... because you don't do it!*"

spoken in response to the notion of someone suggesting "let's go sit outside, roast some marshmallows, have ourselves a camp fire!"

Peter on Camping

"no, motherfucker, you're not one with nature, you're one with stupidity!*"

*spoken in general after hearing of someone who was excited to go camping.

Peter on Going Green

"i'm telling you what, the next motherfucker that tell me to go green, is going to go size 13*!"

*peter's shoe size, inserted in the rectum

Peter on Yesterday

"the highlight of yesterday was taking a shit."

Peter on Motivation, Part 3

"if you live in upstate NY, you've got motivation for nothing."

Peter on Nothing

"i have nothing. i want more of it."

Peter on Dale T, Part 11

"at least your father might have a few interesting stories to tell. mine is just a worthless piece of fuck."

Peter on HD

"HD deez nutz! i'm just saying, everything is going high def... why not da nutz?"

Peter on Country Music, Part 5

"country music is a lot like having your mouth open when the dog farts."

Peter on Walking

"i was born with spina bifida and i get nothing, yet michael jackson moonwalks and he gets morphine and demerol and whatnot... i'd be happy just to WALK, much less moon-fuck-walk!"

Peter on Carbon Footprints

"i'm sorry, my carbon footprint is size 13, bitch! if i want to cut that down i'm going to plant a fucking tree."

Peter on Slowness

"dude, if i go any slower, i'll start traveling back in time.*"

*said after a friend suggested taking things slow, like God does.

Peter on Sucking

"make no mistake, it* was suckin', but it wasn't suckin' in the proper context"

*his vacuum cleaner

Peter on Deez Nutz

"anyone can be the god of deez nutz."

Peter on Hell

"if you're sitting there, jerking off, listening to rock music, watching harry potter on DVD you're probably going to hell, you know, you might be going to hell, ok? that might be what sends you to fucking hell finally forever, and that's it, ah, blblbblb, no redemption for you!"

Peter on the Devil

"EVERYTHING IS THE WORK OF THE DEVIL!"

Peter on Spiritual Things

"every time we fart there's something spiritual going on."

Peter on Rock Music

"if you listen to marilyn manson, you know the devil's got a cock in your ear."

Peter on Slain in the Spirit Videos

"it's making me hate religion... all over again"*

*watching youtube videos of people getting "slain in the spirit"

Peter on Hope

"i just hope that the occasional slap to the nuts will be worth it in the end..."

Peter on Pain, Part 2

"well, 'good news' is anything that doesn't involve rectal bleeding, i guess."

Peter on NASCAR, Part 2

"there are only a select group of people who would be watching it at the time it's taking place. they would be your hicks, your low-lives, your country jerk offs, and my step mom. cater to them, not me! the day i watch nASScar is the day i put a shoot gun in my mouth and end it all. you have to be a pretty worthless, depressed person to enjoy watching hicks with pepsi logos on their cars drive in circles all afternoon."

Peter on Dale T, Part 10

"dale T has been - as a collective whole - a worthless father, a worthless husband, and as the small bottle of blue pills would suggest, a worthless lover, too."

Peter on Dale T, Part 9

"dale t was a prick, but as long as he's bringing subway sandwiches, he's allowed into the house."

Peter on Not Regretting Regrets

"i probably shouldn't have told the case worker "fuck you" that time, but goddamn it was liberating."

Peter on Gram, Part 4

"it's kinda like that saying 'in one ear and out the other' only in this case it's 'in both ears and right out your ass.'*"

*peter describing how gram doesn't really listen during "conversations."

Peter on Foolishness

"if i put my nuts in a blender and hit puree - i ain't got a reason to wonder why i can't procreate anymore."

Peter on Life, Part 13

"my days are becoming more and more worthless as my life trucks on."

Peter on Gram, Part 3

"there's friendly fire all the time with her.*"

*gram

Peter on Education

"i'll educate these fuckin' bastards and send em fuckin' sideways!*"

*said upon seeing that his local area wanted to raise taxes to help increase funding for education.

Peter on M-Rated Games

"it's like going from hamburger to turkey burger... sure, it's good, but not the same. "

*talking about playing M-rated games on wii vs the 360 or ps3.

Peter on God's Feelings

"on palm sunday some old biddy at church took some palms, announcing she was going to take them home to her family. well, gram got all worked up and bitched about it to me, 'they were not blessed by the priest, peeder!' she was worried that god was going to smite the woman. i just looked at her and said,

'i think god feels pretty much the same way i do about it gram.'"

Peter on Country Music, Part 4

"this song* makes me want to put a shotgun to my face just to dull the mood."

*any random country song.

Peter on Error

"the error is yyyoooooooouuuuuuuuu!*"

*microsoft

Peter on Wii Lack

"950 billion wiis sold and i'm the only person left on god's green earth* that hasn't found one yet? that's depressing."

*peter himself

Peter on Disappointment

"i'm just very disappointed. i'm disappointed in you. i'm very disappointed with my life, i'm disappointed in your progress in my life."

Peter on Bob's Game

"the day i pay money for a game called 'bob's game' is the day i stick rabid wolverines into my colon."

Peter on UPS

"sometimes you get lucky and shit* ends up on the 'early truck'. well, mine got put on the 'early fuck'."

*your much-desired shipment of joy

Peter on Armageddon, Part 3

"really, i beg God for armageddon everyday, just so that i can finally move out of new york state."

Peter on Motherfucker

"people often get all offended over the word motherfucker. get the fuck over it. motherfucker is like a comma! it has nothing to do with actually fucking someone's mother!"

Peter on The N Word

"get the fuck over it, cowboy the fuck up, and grow a set of man slacks, ok?"

Peter on Understanding

"i tell you* more about my life than you even know about yours."

a friend who accused peter of not being forthcoming with information.

Peter on Trials

"god sends me trials to piss me off."

Peter on Failure, Part 2

"i fail so that others may live."

Peter on Symbolism

"if it's symbolic, nobody cares.*"

*said to a friend who was describing some artwork

Peter on God, Part 3

"i can't tell you that there is a god. but i can tell you there are a whole bunch of sorry excuses for human beings who want there to be a reason for their existence."

Peter on Spelling

"i haven't been to bed yet* so don't go getting cute with the spelling."

*spoken at 9am (after an all-nighter) upon being challenged regarding his spelling of 'rite'. he wrote 'right'.

Peter on Miracles

"i would give my left nut for a miracle."

Peter on Life, Part 12

"i've outlived my uselessness."

Peter on Sympathy and Canes

"you see someone with a cane, there's sympathy. you see a 400 lb man wandering around the chip aisle with a cane, there's no sympathy."

Peter on School, Part 3

"mr. prosser didn't address shit, ever*. he's got no spine at all. worthless as a father, bare minimum worthless as a human being!"

*peter, still commentating on getting notes home from school addressed to his father.

Peter on School, Part 2

"mrs. prosser will whup some ass, but mr prosser wont' do shit. mr prosser be sitting on the couch watching westerns and eating beans.*"

*peter, upon recalling getting a note home to his parents which was addressed to his father, as opposed to his mother. his mother actually wore the pants in the family.

Peter on The Bible Code

"i'm not INTO the bible code, i just want to see if it comes true."

Peter on Self-Actualization

"i don't have a whole lot of, well, anything going on."

Peter on Dale T, Part 8

"i should 5446* his ass."

*take a guess

Peter on Motivation, Part 2

"if you're gonna be an asshole, be the biggest one you can be."

Peter on The Work of The Devil

"if TV is the work of the devil then so is the sofa."

Peter on People

"don't get me wrong, i do like people, but fuck 'em!"

Peter on P0rn, Part 4

"do you understand what internet porn has done for the industry of life?"

Peter on Life, Part 11

"i feel like mario. i risk my life, beat the whole the damn level, and the bitch ain't home.*"

*peter, after positing that the phrase "sorry mario, the princess is in another castle" is a metaphor for reality.

Peter on Molech

"this fucking moloch owl bullshit is quite honestly giving me the shits! and it sets me the fuck off to the point where i get very uppity! i'm sorry, but until god wants to talk to me on a level i can discern, i don't fucking care any more. dude, people are fucking around with owls... OW-FUCKING-LS! WHY?*"

*just google "bohemian grove"

Peter on The Spiritual World

"the whole 'spirit world' is giving me the shits! i'm sorry, this sight-unseen bullshit is absolutely pissing me off. i don't have time. do you understand that i'm getting fucked by everything i can SEE, now i have to accept the fact that shit i CAN'T SEE is fucking me as well!?"

Peter on Charity

"the problem is that i have both my shoes. if i didn't, then people would feel sorry for me and give to me. see, when you are 400 lbs and bitter, no one cares."

Peter on Rush and Hannity

"oh, oh, oh! rush will be on hannity tonight! that's like watching one horse take a shit and the other rolling in it."

Peter on Sega

"sega is like a mildly retarded, blind in one eye, deaf in both ears, lovable old dog. you hate to see him go, but you can't let him suffer any longer, either. "

Peter on Lara Croft From Tomb Raider

"what does this make it now, about the 5th time they've retooled her? i wouldn't mind retooling her either, but that story is for another time."

Peter on Conflict Resolution

"the answer to 99% of all problems is this: shut the fuck up! if more people realized this the world would be sweetness and light!"

Peter on Homosexuality, Part 2

"my take on homosexuality: what is the point?

if homosexuality is right, and normal, and 'how you were born' then shut the fuck up about it. really. who pisses their pants over the fact that the grass is green? if it’s so normal, then people need to start acting like it! i mean, i have 10 toes, yet you don’t see me standing naked up on the roof yelling for all to hear about how grand it is that my digits are all intact!"