Peter on Pickup Trucks

"i'd rather* stick batteries up my anus instead."

*rather than drive a pickup truck. he continued: "i say that, because A) dale t (peter's father) just bought a pick up truck and i wish he'd stick batteries up his anus, and B) john was standing next to the Vaseline.

Peter on Dale T, Part 11

"at least your father might have a few interesting stories to tell. mine is just a worthless piece of fuck."

Peter on Dale T, Part 10

"dale T has been - as a collective whole - a worthless father, a worthless husband, and as the small bottle of blue pills would suggest, a worthless lover, too."

Peter on Dale T, Part 9

"dale t was a prick, but as long as he's bringing subway sandwiches, he's allowed into the house."

Peter on Dale T, Part 8

"i should 5446* his ass."

*take a guess

Peter on Dale T, Part 7

"dale T’s drunken stupor of love seems to have made him become more retarded than normal, if that were even possible. he’s like a mindless little goat, just walking about the fields waiting to be milked by roving farmhands."

Peter on Family Feuds, Part 3

"my grandmother can’t…nay, WON’T accept the fact that dale T’s a whore and that he has moved on with his pitiful, mustached life. his lies and his fornication are just too much for her to handle!"

Peter on Dale T, Part 5

"dale T. is a big ass baby, so something as simple as getting a shot could very well set him over the deep end of reality, leave him plummeting out of control, spiraling into a deep void that is, in reality, his life, and causing him to lose his bladder and mind."

Peter on Failure

“your father fell into the dip tank* again.**”

*a wire milling device that consists of a well of oil sludge and a swiftly spinning bail of wire.
**what peter's mother use to tell him when he was a child at every instance of his father - dale T - failing at life.

Peter on Phones, Part 3

"i really don’t get why the man* needs a phone at all. he has no friends, no one for him to call, and no one to call him so there is no point in wasting $150 on yet another electronic device that will either break or just end up in a cupboard and left for dead. we all know that within a few months the novelty will wear off and the mighty phone that now proudly reads 'dale T" when lit up will be no more."

*dale T.

Peter on Dale T, Part 4

"dale T. is a man of many talents, yet he is one to find himself in places he’d rather not be. no matter how much he tries he never seems to win - be it his work, his family, his church, his sexual orientation - something always seems to go south for the man."

Peter on Anal Probes, Part 2

"there’s nothing grander then the thought of an anal probe and dale T. the term and the man are as one."

Peter on Anal Probes

"whenever things in life go wrong (or just not right) the term 'anal probe' comes to mind. think of it as a conditioned response. how it would feel to get his nuts run over by a dump truck? anal probe. what's it like to be cast out homeless by your own kith and kin? anal probe. so when it comes to something of bullshit taking place it's just basic reality that the idea of an anal probe rears its ugly head."

Peter on Reality, Part 4

"he* would have saved me a lot of trouble had he died and the old woman were alive."

*dale T

Peter on Family Visiting, Part 2

"my family was giving me a head ache so i took some Aleve... but they wouldn't go."

Peter on Dale T, Part 3

"see, the man doesn't want anything to do with you - ever. i mean, the man would disown you if he could. yet the moment i'm trying to sleep he's trying to be my loving father and take me on a fucking fishing trip, ok? all i wanna do is sleep! when i'm sick, i wanna sleep, get the fuck away from me!"

Peter on Effort

"try as you must, fail as you do."

Peter on JC Penny

"jc penny should be totally ashamed of themselves for selling the crap that they do to innocent, stupid people like dale T."

Peter on Dale T's Nuts

"dale T just sits there enjoying his nuts, fidgeting, and every now and then he’ll crack one open and yell out, “hey, woman! look, it’s rotten in side!” he will then proceed to eat it anyway. nut after mixed nut is being cracked open, each one going to his sprightly little lips so that his buckteeth can gnaw away at the nutty goodness inside each half shell. after a while he looks over and says to me, “what? yew wanna nut too, boy?” and with that he belts one over at my head with all his might, hitting me in the face for all he’s worth just like a good father should."

Peter on Jokes

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