Peter on Being

"i want to be in a place where i can see and i can shower and i can shit!"

Peter on Trials

"god sends me trials to piss me off."

Peter on Failure, Part 2

"i fail so that others may live."

Peter on God, Part 3

"i can't tell you that there is a god. but i can tell you there are a whole bunch of sorry excuses for human beings who want there to be a reason for their existence."

Peter on Sympathy and Canes

"you see someone with a cane, there's sympathy. you see a 400 lb man wandering around the chip aisle with a cane, there's no sympathy."

Peter on The Work of The Devil

"if TV is the work of the devil then so is the sofa."

Peter on P0rn, Part 4

"do you understand what internet porn has done for the industry of life?"

Peter on Life, Part 11

"i feel like mario. i risk my life, beat the whole the damn level, and the bitch ain't home.*"

*peter, after positing that the phrase "sorry mario, the princess is in another castle" is a metaphor for reality.

Peter on Personal Space

"most people's concept of personal space is, you know, right up in their face. one or two feet around them. my personal space extends out to like the rest of the house. you know, the dining room, the kitchen, and then out to the ditch."

Peter on Reality, Part 6

"i have NOTHING for you. a lot of people don't understand this. it's not because i'm being hurtful. it's not that i don't like you, not that i don't love you. it's not that i'm being mean. it's just have nothing for you. i have nothing FOR you. i have nothing for YOU."

Peter on The Circle of Safety, Part 2

"there is nothing you need here.*"

*"here" being defined as within peter's circle of safety. search this blog for "circle of safety" to learn more.

Peter on Holidays, Part 5

"just waiting for the stupid ass holidays to be over so that NORMAL can start back up and everyone who is joyous will get back to being down-trodden by the man once again. like it should be.*"

*peter's response when asked what he was up to between Christmas and new years.

Peter on Holidays, Part 4

"the holidays over! get with the program - reality is a knockin'!*"

*spoken to a friend who didn't immediately meet peter's demands, using the holidays as an excuse for his delay.

Peter on Gram

"the woman is a fountain of useless information."

Peter on Mouths

"i can't even look people in the eyes anymore... i can only stare helplessly at their gaping mouth pies."

Peter on Comfort

"the last place i ever felt settled was the womb."

Peter on Effort, Part 3

"i mean, it comes to the point where you just have to stop trying. i’m not suggesting giving up. no. that would be to easy and, well, messy... and i don’t know where to buy a gun, anyway."

Peter on Madden, Part 2

"the fact that madden has to try to pronounce all these black football player's names is proof enough for me that God does, in fact, love us."

Peter on Video Game Etiquette, Part 4

"this… this is why nintendo is evil*. because people with teeth like that, should NEVER be smiling, EVER. you got teeth like that**, you got nothin’ to be happy about."

*peter commenting on a commercial for a video game on the nintendo wii system.

**several people in the commercial were orthodontic nightmares.

Peter on Horoscopes

"so my horoscope today read: 'with your wit, charm and verbal communication skills you could set the right heart aflutter and start a new romance that could last forever.' and i'm thinking to myself, 'shit, the only heart i've made flutter lately was my own the last time i ate a jelly filled doughnut!'"