Peter on Rice Crispy Treats

"i have 4 boxes of rice fuck crispys and no milk... talk about being screwed."

Peter on CBS Programing

"watching football on CBS is like watching porn on the family channel; it just doesn't work well."

Peter on Family Trees

"my family tree is a lot like one of those inverted, upside down christmas trees. i'm at the bottom, of course, and much like a football team with cleats, everyone else is just piled up on top of me kickin' and screamin'."

Peter on Salted Nuts

"this might be the prosser in me talking, but damn it... i sure do love me some salted nuts!"

Peter on Life, Part 15

"life isn't like a box of chocolates. life is like a bunch of assholes who feel the need to speak."

Peter on Cats and Dogs

"dogs love butter. cats love knocking shit off the table... computers, mostly."

he continues: "it's true; dogs have an affinity for butter, and cats like knocking shit off the table. so if you have a cat and a dog, the cat'll knock the butter dish off the table and the dog will go nuts. it's like a tandem of buttery goodness gone awry."

Peter on Shopping

"this is why the aliens wont come and give us all their knowledge: because of our fucking usage of NASCAR shopping carts for kids."

Peter on Family Ties

"when i say that i HATE my family, i simply mean that love them with unconditional attitude."

Peter on New York State

"we need to change new york state from "new york", to NEW FUCK! instead of calling it "upstate," call it UP FUCK! instead of NY, NY, call it fuckfuck, FU. instead of nyc, call it newFUCKcity."

Peter on Bill Gates

"only pain and suffering are down this road my friend*"

*going back to a PC after the mac died

Peter on Life, Part 14

"well, life would be worth living then!"*

*...i went to the doctors and he asked me "if life was worth living," and i said, "i guess so why?" he then tells that i should get a scooter, so say to him, "well life would be worth living then!" i don't think he got that i was joking.

Peter on Twitter

"why are there word limits in 2009?"

Peter on The North

"fuck going up north! there ain't nothing up north but canada and bullshit!"

Peter on Camping, Part 2

"you take the worse parts of your family, and then magnify them a thousand fold, and then put them with a bunch of cranky motherfuckers in a stinky, bug-infested dirt-filled fuck hole, and then expect everybody to have a good time... that's camping to me."

Peter on Camping

"no, motherfucker, you're not one with nature, you're one with stupidity!*"

*spoken in general after hearing of someone who was excited to go camping.

Peter on Dale T, Part 11

"at least your father might have a few interesting stories to tell. mine is just a worthless piece of fuck."

Peter on Country Music, Part 5

"country music is a lot like having your mouth open when the dog farts."

Peter on Walking

"i was born with spina bifida and i get nothing, yet michael jackson moonwalks and he gets morphine and demerol and whatnot... i'd be happy just to WALK, much less moon-fuck-walk!"

Peter on Carbon Footprints

"i'm sorry, my carbon footprint is size 13, bitch! if i want to cut that down i'm going to plant a fucking tree."

Peter on Sucking

"make no mistake, it* was suckin', but it wasn't suckin' in the proper context"

*his vacuum cleaner