Peter on The Grand Scheme

"my grand scheme is to move the fuck outta new york! i hate this fuckin' idiotic state!"

Peter on New York State

"we need to change new york state from "new york", to NEW FUCK! instead of calling it "upstate," call it UP FUCK! instead of NY, NY, call it fuckfuck, FU. instead of nyc, call it newFUCKcity."

Peter on Life, Part 14

"well, life would be worth living then!"*

*...i went to the doctors and he asked me "if life was worth living," and i said, "i guess so why?" he then tells that i should get a scooter, so say to him, "well life would be worth living then!" i don't think he got that i was joking.

Peter on Motivation, Part 3

"if you live in upstate NY, you've got motivation for nothing."

Peter on Not Regretting Regrets

"i probably shouldn't have told the case worker "fuck you" that time, but goddamn it was liberating."

Peter on Education

"i'll educate these fuckin' bastards and send em fuckin' sideways!*"

*said upon seeing that his local area wanted to raise taxes to help increase funding for education.

Peter on Armageddon, Part 3

"really, i beg God for armageddon everyday, just so that i can finally move out of new york state."

Peter on People

"don't get me wrong, i do like people, but fuck 'em!"

Peter on New Years

"do humans really need another holiday to dance, drink and fuck?*"

*said upon witnessing the new years party in times square

Peter on Life, Part 9

"gram and the state both have pushed me to this level, to where i can make a 55 minute clip of driveling bullshit that means nothing to anyone - now, granted, there might be a few gems in there that you could pull out - but in general, it's worthless.*"

*peter commenting on his current feeling about his only art form and sole mode of communication, the bitch clip.

Peter on New York State

"my dog has more relevance than these people.*"

*new york state agencies

Peter on Effort, Part 2

"our family has no stroke within our town... we only cause them."

Peter on the Welfare Office

"like everyone in the welfare office doesn't already have a sob story.*"

*comment on gram's notion that pete should give the welfare office a sob story to convince them to help him.

Peter on Disability, Part 3

"if i say i'm depressed - oh, here's 20 grand. if i'm crippled, i get nothing. now if i'm depressed about being crippled... 20 grand. if i'm depressed because the grass is green.... 20 grand. if i'm stable and angry, i get nothing."

Peter on Family Visiting, Part 2

"my family was giving me a head ache so i took some Aleve... but they wouldn't go."

Peter on Family Feuds, Part 2

"we love each other... but we’re better off loving each other from the other room."

Peter on Holidays

"holidays suck! this may seem harsh, but you’ve never spent the holidays with my family! it’s just not a happy thanksgiving unless the words 'lazy bastard,' 'get a job,' 'cut your hair, you bum,' a whole plethora of curse words including my holiday favorite: 'you fucking son of a bitch!' i mean i feel the love, i really, really do!"

Peter on Disability

"well, i just got a good swift kick in the shins again.* denied for disability once again, as if the first time wasn’t good enough. they claim that i can lift “up to 20 lbs” for “4 to 8 hours” at a time. not really clear how that qualifies me for anything but, hey, this is new york state."

*this was many years ago

Peter on the Evil Eye

"have you ever seen someone give you a look as if you had just spit on the virgin mary? a look suggesting that if i were to ever speak of such evil again, she would leap from her chair and gut me like a fish?*"

*reporting on his experience of suggesting his grandmother buy pizza from a certain unfashionable pizzeria in town

Peter on Harassment

"she’s* been harassing me and causing me grief for months and all I’ve done was EXIST!"

*the hobbit