Peter on Charity

"the problem is that i have both my shoes. if i didn't, then people would feel sorry for me and give to me. see, when you are 400 lbs and bitter, no one cares."

Peter on Reality, Part 6

"i have NOTHING for you. a lot of people don't understand this. it's not because i'm being hurtful. it's not that i don't like you, not that i don't love you. it's not that i'm being mean. it's just have nothing for you. i have nothing FOR you. i have nothing for YOU."

Peter on Life, Part 7

"i want to get a life but, you see, that ain't happenin'. some times you got to do what you got to do when you can do it."

Peter on Anal Probes

"whenever things in life go wrong (or just not right) the term 'anal probe' comes to mind. think of it as a conditioned response. how it would feel to get his nuts run over by a dump truck? anal probe. what's it like to be cast out homeless by your own kith and kin? anal probe. so when it comes to something of bullshit taking place it's just basic reality that the idea of an anal probe rears its ugly head."

Peter on Life, Part 4

"well, if i had more money i could buy numbers 1 and 3, so...*"

*spoken in response to the question 'what if you could buy love, money, and hope?'

Peter on Government, Part 2

"i'm a firm believer that i've lost my mind because of all this bullshit with the government! i believe it and, you know what, i'm not even going to try to correct myself. i'm going to LIVE in the fuckin' insanity and i'm going to enjoy it!"

Peter on What He Was Saying

"what i was saying, what i was saying... ah, i don't even remember what i was saying."

Peter on the Stars

"there are people since the dawn of time that have been reading the stars - we have the pyramids to prove it! they've been worshiping the fucking stars! the stars were telling them fucking stories they won't tell me! there are fucking stories that i'm not privy to! that's pissing me the fuck off!"

Peter on Make-A-Wish

"where the fuck was make-a-wish all those years ago when i was a little kid crying myself to sleep?"

Peter on Life

"i feel like i might be dying a little bit every day."

Peter on Beans

"i opened a can of beans today (using the pop top lid) and the thing blew up. there was a very loud popping sound and beans shot out every which way, hitting the walls, my face and shirt, all over the cupboards, and some even landed on my dog. trust me, i’m not joking. the force fired off like a cannon and thrust the lid into my left index finger, causing me a sharp numb and stingy feeling that lasted for about a half an hour or more."

Peter on Dale T's Eggs

"dale T is a stupid egg-eating motherfucker! i don't know where he gets the idea that he can crack his fuckin' eggs and leave the shells all over the kitchen, in coffee mugs and bowls and shit. have you ever left egg shells out with a little egg white? you know what it does? it turns into fucking concrete! you know what it's like trying to scrape that shit outta the bottom of a bowl?"

Peter on the Circle of Safety

"my circle of safety extends out to about the roadway. from wherever i'm at to the driveway. you pull into the driveway, you're violating my personal space. that's the type of shit you get the shotgun for."

Peter on Communication

"i tend to say shit other people regret hearing!"

Peter on Destiny

"you love it*; this was all planned out before time. just get on board and enjoy the ride. me, i'd rather get off - in more than one way - but i guess i have to live it for others' amusement!"

*the woe that is his life.

Peter on "Depends"

"depends are for the shits, and that's what you're giving me with your non-forward thinking."*

*peter, spoken over instant message, in response to a friend who stated: " it depends on a lot... i could buy it** this second but i've got other things to deal with... more money, more problems."

**the x-box 360