Peter on Dick Clark

"dick* makes my nipples bleed."

*dick clark

Peter on Life, Part 10

"i'm not unhappy about being 400 pounds. i'm unhappy because every person around me is an asshole."

Peter on New Years

"do humans really need another holiday to dance, drink and fuck?*"

*said upon witnessing the new years party in times square

Peter on Country Music, Part 3

"if you've heard one country song then you have A) pretty much heard them all, and B) have heard enough."

Peter on Personal Space

"most people's concept of personal space is, you know, right up in their face. one or two feet around them. my personal space extends out to like the rest of the house. you know, the dining room, the kitchen, and then out to the ditch."

Peter on The Circle of Safety, Part 3

"seriously, there's a circle of safety. the circle of safety is about ten/fifteen feet around me."

Peter on Reality, Part 6

"i have NOTHING for you. a lot of people don't understand this. it's not because i'm being hurtful. it's not that i don't like you, not that i don't love you. it's not that i'm being mean. it's just have nothing for you. i have nothing FOR you. i have nothing for YOU."

Peter on The Circle of Safety, Part 2

"there is nothing you need here.*"

*"here" being defined as within peter's circle of safety. search this blog for "circle of safety" to learn more.

Peter on Holidays, Part 5

"just waiting for the stupid ass holidays to be over so that NORMAL can start back up and everyone who is joyous will get back to being down-trodden by the man once again. like it should be.*"

*peter's response when asked what he was up to between Christmas and new years.

Peter on Holidays, Part 4

"the holidays over! get with the program - reality is a knockin'!*"

*spoken to a friend who didn't immediately meet peter's demands, using the holidays as an excuse for his delay.

Peter on Madden, Part 3

"the man* speaks in circles."

*john madden

Peter on Dancing

"people who dance need to be beaten.*"

*spoken after seeing a commercial for a show featuring dancers from around the world

Peter on Bush and Shoes

"dude, name me one american (other than ma bush) who doesn't want to throw something at bush?*"

*spoken after a friend mentioned the now infamous shoe throwing incident in iraq.

Peter on Attention

"if all you're doing is listening to this,* you're hurting for something. you're looking for something and you ain't gonna find it!"

*a particularly lengthy and pointlessly meandering bitch clip made by peter

Peter on Life, Part 9

"gram and the state both have pushed me to this level, to where i can make a 55 minute clip of driveling bullshit that means nothing to anyone - now, granted, there might be a few gems in there that you could pull out - but in general, it's worthless.*"

*peter commenting on his current feeling about his only art form and sole mode of communication, the bitch clip.

Peter on Gram, Part 2

"for some reason my ramblings have gotten more incoherent the more i've had to deal with gram."

Peter on Gram

"the woman is a fountain of useless information."

Peter on Work

"i can't work because God won't let me."

Peter on The Unknown

"you can't know how great the unknown is because, uh, it's the unknown. so to me the whole concept of God is very stupid to me. i'm not saying anything against God, i'm just saying that the concept thereof is very stupid to me because you can't understand the concept of how great the unknown is if you can't comprehend how FUCKIN' GREAT THE UNKNOWN IS!"

Peter on God, Part 2

"i said it* very tenderly, very concisely. very specifically, in a very concise way. as in: in as few words as possible. God, not being the person of God, but God as in the overarching, the, ugh, fornication of filth that is over top of me, that is ruling over me."

*it being the cursing of God that Peter engaged in

Peter on God

"i don't know what i did to piss God off... other than say "fuck you" to Him the other day, but that's beside the case."

Peter on New York State

"my dog has more relevance than these people.*"

*new york state agencies

Peter on Self-Determination

"i will do as i will when i will and not a second sooner."

Peter on Mouths

"i can't even look people in the eyes anymore... i can only stare helplessly at their gaping mouth pies."

Peter on Important Questions

"two very important questions:
1) why do electric can opens never to, you know, open anything?
2) why am i the only one going through life pondering that very first question?"

Peter on Taxes, Part 2

"they should put a tax of 50 cents on every fool lawmaker who says stupid shit. trust me, we'd be rollin' in surplus cash."

Peter on Taxes

"obesity tax? yeah, it's worked for me. the miracle cure. cut out soda."

Peter on The Truth and The Consequences, Part 2

"i'm sorry, when i'm doing shit, if the dog get in the way of the tv, the dog get kicked."

Peter on Life, Part 8

"i woke up to take a nap... thanks for making me remember how bad my life sucks*"

*spoken to a friend who asked him what he did with his day.

Peter on Comfort

"the last place i ever felt settled was the womb."

Peter on Eggnog

"the dog* goes nuts over eggnog. like off the fuckin' walls. eggnog is like crack cocaine for dogs."

*peter's dog, lucy.

Peter on Woe, Part 3

"i'm telling you what, there is nothing like eating cheap, shitty ice cream on a stick only to have the stick splinter and send shards into your fucking bottom lip."

Peter on Effort, Part 3

"i mean, it comes to the point where you just have to stop trying. i’m not suggesting giving up. no. that would be to easy and, well, messy... and i don’t know where to buy a gun, anyway."

Peter on Madden, Part 2

"the fact that madden has to try to pronounce all these black football player's names is proof enough for me that God does, in fact, love us."

Peter on Fatty Foods

"i don't need no more fat. i'm trying to git rid of enough of my own without side-saddlin' up to a cows blubber!"

Peter on Meat

"i get the leaner meats."

Peter on Video Game Etiquette, Part 4

"this… this is why nintendo is evil*. because people with teeth like that, should NEVER be smiling, EVER. you got teeth like that**, you got nothin’ to be happy about."

*peter commenting on a commercial for a video game on the nintendo wii system.

**several people in the commercial were orthodontic nightmares.

Peter on Horoscopes

"so my horoscope today read: 'with your wit, charm and verbal communication skills you could set the right heart aflutter and start a new romance that could last forever.' and i'm thinking to myself, 'shit, the only heart i've made flutter lately was my own the last time i ate a jelly filled doughnut!'"

Peter on Everyone

"everyone who isn't me, bothers me."

Peter on Life, Part 7

"i want to get a life but, you see, that ain't happenin'. some times you got to do what you got to do when you can do it."

Peter on Rickrolling

"i think gram needs to be rickrolled.*"

*like being pwned, only better (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rickroll).

Peter on WiiFit

"nothing, there is a 330 bls limit... sooo, i could put my right nut on it and hope for the best.*"

*when asked what he would do with a nintendo wiifit.

Peter on Dale T, Part 7

"dale T’s drunken stupor of love seems to have made him become more retarded than normal, if that were even possible. he’s like a mindless little goat, just walking about the fields waiting to be milked by roving farmhands."

Peter on Family Feuds, Part 3

"my grandmother can’t…nay, WON’T accept the fact that dale T’s a whore and that he has moved on with his pitiful, mustached life. his lies and his fornication are just too much for her to handle!"

Peter on Holidays, Part 3

"family holidays: rectal probes that we all must endure, ones that are so filled with promise yet seem never to deliver."

Peter on Disownment

"disownment* is a funny thing."

*disownment: the state of being kicked out of house and home, rejected by kith and kin, and violated by family, state, weather patterns, time zones, and God.

Peter on Billing

"what are these bastards going to do, come to my house 2 weeks before christmas and break my goddamn legs if i don’t pay? and, hey, here’s an idea: when someone checks “bill me later,” try doing that! i haven’t received any goods or services from these people yet they're all up in my anus! if i don’t pay then close my account and stop being assholes about it!"

Peter on Dale T, Part 6

"really, it just puts the icing on the motherfuckin’ cosmic cake when you have a family member pissing in the wrong bathrooms in public places. i mean i don’t want to be known as the kid with the transsexual father! though i do sometimes wish he were a tranny... that might explain his cocked up behavior!"

Peter on Effort, Part 2

"our family has no stroke within our town... we only cause them."

Peter on Dale T, Part 5

"dale T. is a big ass baby, so something as simple as getting a shot could very well set him over the deep end of reality, leave him plummeting out of control, spiraling into a deep void that is, in reality, his life, and causing him to lose his bladder and mind."

Peter on Failure

“your father fell into the dip tank* again.**”

*a wire milling device that consists of a well of oil sludge and a swiftly spinning bail of wire.
**what peter's mother use to tell him when he was a child at every instance of his father - dale T - failing at life.

Peter on Phones, Part 3

"i really don’t get why the man* needs a phone at all. he has no friends, no one for him to call, and no one to call him so there is no point in wasting $150 on yet another electronic device that will either break or just end up in a cupboard and left for dead. we all know that within a few months the novelty will wear off and the mighty phone that now proudly reads 'dale T" when lit up will be no more."

*dale T.

Peter on Dale T, Part 4

"dale T. is a man of many talents, yet he is one to find himself in places he’d rather not be. no matter how much he tries he never seems to win - be it his work, his family, his church, his sexual orientation - something always seems to go south for the man."

Peter on Relationships

"relationships? no. i don't need to hear every freakin' day about how bad my life is and how she* wished she never met me... i don't need my mother back."

*whatever random woman might lower herself to become involved with me only to realize she hadn't yet truly suffered in life.

Peter on Anal Probes, Part 2

"there’s nothing grander then the thought of an anal probe and dale T. the term and the man are as one."

Peter on Marriage, Part 2

"i mean, even i can't stand being with me. i have nothing to offer even for myself, so why would i expect some dumb woman to feel sorry for me and want some of what i ain't got?"

Peter on Anal Probes

"whenever things in life go wrong (or just not right) the term 'anal probe' comes to mind. think of it as a conditioned response. how it would feel to get his nuts run over by a dump truck? anal probe. what's it like to be cast out homeless by your own kith and kin? anal probe. so when it comes to something of bullshit taking place it's just basic reality that the idea of an anal probe rears its ugly head."

Peter on Timezones, Part 3

" you're* the time zone whore! you are the one that destroyed the love of time for me."

*peter's friend matt

Peter on Success

"my life just started at this point.*"

*referring to the point he was quoted (about 2 minutes into) a nintendo forum video show**
**http://gonintendo.com/?p=64860

Peter on Lesbians

"let's all face it: the women you wish were lesbians aren't."

Peter on Tattoos

"tattooed babes are just... no! i’m sorry, i can’t stand tattoos. well, ok. maybe a small one, but i can't take the girls that get the sistine chapel on their backs, i really can't."

Peter on Looks

"when you find yourself hating the way you look, guess what? probably other people do as well so take the hint, and cover the fuck up!"

Peter on P0rn, Part 3

"internet p0rn is a godsend!"

Peter on P0rn, Part 2

"i’m not into that romantic p0rn. you know, that shit for couples? sure, if i were part of a couple and she wanted to watch it with me, that’s different. but when you’re pleasing for one, you don’t need to have all the frilly shit!"

Peter on Algore

"it's the only thing algore did right! i mean, where would life be with out p0rn?*"

*spoken after algore claimed to invent the internet**
**"During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet ." - Algore, during an interview with Wolf Blitzer on CNN on March 9, 1999.