Peter on Hope, Part 3

"now if only i could find a woman with big tits to believe and say the same thing...*"

*comment by peter after a friend said, "you're a bastard and i love it."

Peter on Independence, Part 2

"when you find yourself laying in a pool of your own blood and piss, guess what? independence day is over, and will smith ain't coming to the rescue! you have to face facts: you're old and worthless! time to die."

Peter on Friendship

"i'm not 1-800-call-a-buddy."

Peter on Emotions, Part 2

"i'm tearing up!" - gram
"you ain't the only one, gram. i've been holding back a sob or two myself." - peter

Peter on Independence

"you don't have independence when you're falling off the porta-potty... you just don't."

Peter on Scalloped Potatoes

"well, it was really soupy!" - gram
"but now it's really burnt and hard, gram!" - peter*

*you don't cook scalloped potatoes on 450 for 5 hours. you just don't.

Peter on The Grand Scheme

"my grand scheme is to move the fuck outta new york! i hate this fuckin' idiotic state!"

Peter on Life, Part 15

"life isn't like a box of chocolates. life is like a bunch of assholes who feel the need to speak."

Peter on The Family Guy

"the family guy is another reason that the aliens won't come here and give us their technology."

Peter on Cats and Dogs

"dogs love butter. cats love knocking shit off the table... computers, mostly."

he continues: "it's true; dogs have an affinity for butter, and cats like knocking shit off the table. so if you have a cat and a dog, the cat'll knock the butter dish off the table and the dog will go nuts. it's like a tandem of buttery goodness gone awry."

Peter on Emotions

"i don't get lonely, i get annoyed."

Peter on Motivation, Part 5

"i'm getting so lazy that waddling out to the mailbox is starting to become too much work!"

Peter on Shopping, Part 2

"i'm sorry, aisle 3 is for toilet paper and dish soap, not toddlers with mini shopping carts!"

Peter on Having Kids

"why would i put my nuts in a blender if i don't need to?"

Peter on Shopping

"this is why the aliens wont come and give us all their knowledge: because of our fucking usage of NASCAR shopping carts for kids."

Peter on Family Ties

"when i say that i HATE my family, i simply mean that love them with unconditional attitude."

Peter on Football, Part 5

"men should never touch other men's asses"

Peter on Pickup Trucks

"i'd rather* stick batteries up my anus instead."

*rather than drive a pickup truck. he continued: "i say that, because A) dale t (peter's father) just bought a pick up truck and i wish he'd stick batteries up his anus, and B) john was standing next to the Vaseline.