Peter on Gram's Birthday

"last year it just sort of happened. i walked by the carrot cake, it looked good, i wanted some, and BOOM - we had a party."

Peter on Independence, Part 2

"when you find yourself laying in a pool of your own blood and piss, guess what? independence day is over, and will smith ain't coming to the rescue! you have to face facts: you're old and worthless! time to die."

Peter on Friendship

"i'm not 1-800-call-a-buddy."

Peter on Emotions, Part 2

"i'm tearing up!" - gram
"you ain't the only one, gram. i've been holding back a sob or two myself." - peter

Peter on Independence

"you don't have independence when you're falling off the porta-potty... you just don't."

Peter on Scalloped Potatoes

"well, it was really soupy!" - gram
"but now it's really burnt and hard, gram!" - peter*

*you don't cook scalloped potatoes on 450 for 5 hours. you just don't.

Peter on Gram, Part 4

"it's kinda like that saying 'in one ear and out the other' only in this case it's 'in both ears and right out your ass.'*"

*peter describing how gram doesn't really listen during "conversations."

Peter on Gram, Part 3

"there's friendly fire all the time with her.*"

*gram

Peter on Life, Part 9

"gram and the state both have pushed me to this level, to where i can make a 55 minute clip of driveling bullshit that means nothing to anyone - now, granted, there might be a few gems in there that you could pull out - but in general, it's worthless.*"

*peter commenting on his current feeling about his only art form and sole mode of communication, the bitch clip.

Peter on Gram, Part 2

"for some reason my ramblings have gotten more incoherent the more i've had to deal with gram."

Peter on Gram

"the woman is a fountain of useless information."

Peter on Rickrolling

"i think gram needs to be rickrolled.*"

*like being pwned, only better (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rickroll).

Peter on Family Feuds, Part 3

"my grandmother can’t…nay, WON’T accept the fact that dale T’s a whore and that he has moved on with his pitiful, mustached life. his lies and his fornication are just too much for her to handle!"

Peter on Personal Musk

"after going to the burn barrel with gram i smelt like i had been raped at a family BBQ."

Peter on Groceries

"literally, it takes me two or three days to recoup from getting groceries*"

*with gram

Peter on the Welfare Office

"like everyone in the welfare office doesn't already have a sob story.*"

*comment on gram's notion that pete should give the welfare office a sob story to convince them to help him.

Peter on Family Visiting, Part 2

"my family was giving me a head ache so i took some Aleve... but they wouldn't go."

Peter on The Great Depression, Part 2

"so i gotta take it and i gotta hide it from her* while she's in the store cause if she sees it she'll be like 'oh, oh, oh that's 30 cents cheaper at great american**!' i don't care. i don't give a fuck. i know it's 30 cents cheaper, i don't give a fuck, thank you, no! see, you can't explain something to somebody like that because to them when something is on sale it's golden and when it's not you should live without it. you can't talk to somebody like that, you can't reason with somebody like that."

*peter's grandmother
**eastern united states regional super market

Peter on Milk

"i don't like the great american* milk. i just don't. i don't like, i don't like, i don't like it. i like the big fuck M* milk, so i get the big fuck M milk. it might not be 30 cents cheaper but i don't care. i don't care. if i want the shit i'm gonna drink the shit and it's gonna be proper."

*eastern united states regional super market

Peter on Family Feuds, Part 2

"we love each other... but we’re better off loving each other from the other room."