Peter on WiiFit

"nothing, there is a 330 bls limit... sooo, i could put my right nut on it and hope for the best.*"

*when asked what he would do with a nintendo wiifit.

Peter on Dale T, Part 5

"dale T. is a big ass baby, so something as simple as getting a shot could very well set him over the deep end of reality, leave him plummeting out of control, spiraling into a deep void that is, in reality, his life, and causing him to lose his bladder and mind."

Peter on Disability, Part 2

"the biggest problem with me is that i'm not disabled enough."

Peter on Family Visiting, Part 2

"my family was giving me a head ache so i took some Aleve... but they wouldn't go."

Peter on Sickness

"when you're sick, what the fuck do you wanna do? you wanna shut the fuck up and sleep!

Peter on Colds, Part 2

"you got two orifices but can't breathe through either of them, you're fucked!"

Peter on Cough Medicine

"cough syrup. that shit is fuckin' vile! it's like sucking the ball sack of a fuckin' donkey after he's been rolling in a pile of monkey shit. that's what that stuff tastes like! and it comes with the little plastic cup and you're supposed to measure and shit... fuck that! i just swig that shit right down. i figure if i take too much, guess what? i'll die! cold's over! cold is gone! you dead, no more cold!"

Peter on Medical Woes, Part 2

"in my physical condition i got nothin' to do except sit around, watch DVDs, play with myself, and play video games. that's it. that's it. there ain't nothing else to do. and the middle one is getting boring, too. how bad is that?"

Peter on Pain

"my back don’t give a damn about nice tidings and wishful thoughts."

Peter on Low Fat

"i'm 400 pounds. do i look like i want anything low fat?"

Peter on Bodily Fluids

"everything about me, level-wise - apart from the testosterone - is perfect!"

Peter on Video Game Etiquette, Part 2

"i just took my pain pills and i'm ready to race!*"

*spoken to a friend via instant messenger while waiting for him to come back to play mario kart ds.

Peter on Medical Woes

"when they ask me if there is any new relevant information they need to know about, i'm going to lift my fuckin' shirt, pull down my little pants, and show them my freakin' hernia. and i'll say 'here's exhibit A, bitches!'"

Peter on Make-A-Wish

"where the fuck was make-a-wish all those years ago when i was a little kid crying myself to sleep?"