Peter on the Future, Not

"instead of flying cars, we've got those little-cock-car hybrids that look like you're tooling around in gary colman's penis!"

Peter on Bill Gates

"only pain and suffering are down this road my friend*"

*going back to a PC after the mac died

Peter on Satanic Protection

"i'd rather throw it* over my left nut!"

*salt, to ward off the evil one

Peter on Dale T, Part 11

"at least your father might have a few interesting stories to tell. mine is just a worthless piece of fuck."

Peter on Walking

"i was born with spina bifida and i get nothing, yet michael jackson moonwalks and he gets morphine and demerol and whatnot... i'd be happy just to WALK, much less moon-fuck-walk!"

Peter on Carbon Footprints

"i'm sorry, my carbon footprint is size 13, bitch! if i want to cut that down i'm going to plant a fucking tree."

Peter on Rock Music

"if you listen to marilyn manson, you know the devil's got a cock in your ear."

Peter on Hope

"i just hope that the occasional slap to the nuts will be worth it in the end..."

Peter on Life, Part 13

"my days are becoming more and more worthless as my life trucks on."

Peter on Wii Lack

"950 billion wiis sold and i'm the only person left on god's green earth* that hasn't found one yet? that's depressing."

*peter himself

Peter on UPS

"sometimes you get lucky and shit* ends up on the 'early truck'. well, mine got put on the 'early fuck'."

*your much-desired shipment of joy

Peter on Armageddon, Part 3

"really, i beg God for armageddon everyday, just so that i can finally move out of new york state."

Peter on Motherfucker

"people often get all offended over the word motherfucker. get the fuck over it. motherfucker is like a comma! it has nothing to do with actually fucking someone's mother!"

Peter on Failure, Part 2

"i fail so that others may live."

Peter on Miracles

"i would give my left nut for a miracle."

Peter on School, Part 3

"mr. prosser didn't address shit, ever*. he's got no spine at all. worthless as a father, bare minimum worthless as a human being!"

*peter, still commentating on getting notes home from school addressed to his father.

Peter on The Spiritual World

"the whole 'spirit world' is giving me the shits! i'm sorry, this sight-unseen bullshit is absolutely pissing me off. i don't have time. do you understand that i'm getting fucked by everything i can SEE, now i have to accept the fact that shit i CAN'T SEE is fucking me as well!?"

Peter on Conflict Resolution

"the answer to 99% of all problems is this: shut the fuck up! if more people realized this the world would be sweetness and light!"

Peter on Homosexuality, Part 2

"my take on homosexuality: what is the point?

if homosexuality is right, and normal, and 'how you were born' then shut the fuck up about it. really. who pisses their pants over the fact that the grass is green? if it’s so normal, then people need to start acting like it! i mean, i have 10 toes, yet you don’t see me standing naked up on the roof yelling for all to hear about how grand it is that my digits are all intact!"

Peter on Personal Space

"most people's concept of personal space is, you know, right up in their face. one or two feet around them. my personal space extends out to like the rest of the house. you know, the dining room, the kitchen, and then out to the ditch."