Peter on Family Trees

"my family tree is a lot like one of those inverted, upside down christmas trees. i'm at the bottom, of course, and much like a football team with cleats, everyone else is just piled up on top of me kickin' and screamin'."

Peter on Salted Nuts

"this might be the prosser in me talking, but damn it... i sure do love me some salted nuts!"

Peter on Friendship

"i'm not 1-800-call-a-buddy."

Peter on Family Ties

"when i say that i HATE my family, i simply mean that love them with unconditional attitude."

Peter on Procreation

"if you insist on having kids, and know deep down inside that the kid is ugly, please dont be taking pictures. you know a child with jagged buckteeth is NOT cute!!!"

Peter on Camping, Part 2

"you take the worse parts of your family, and then magnify them a thousand fold, and then put them with a bunch of cranky motherfuckers in a stinky, bug-infested dirt-filled fuck hole, and then expect everybody to have a good time... that's camping to me."

Peter on Wilderness Lust

"that sounds like a plan if your house burns down and you're out in the boondocks and you got no family nearby and no transportation! you don't do it because it's fun! you don't do it because you want to get away! you don't do it... because you don't do it!*"

spoken in response to the notion of someone suggesting "let's go sit outside, roast some marshmallows, have ourselves a camp fire!"

Peter on Gram, Part 4

"it's kinda like that saying 'in one ear and out the other' only in this case it's 'in both ears and right out your ass.'*"

*peter describing how gram doesn't really listen during "conversations."

Peter on Gram, Part 3

"there's friendly fire all the time with her.*"

*gram

Peter on School, Part 2

"mrs. prosser will whup some ass, but mr prosser wont' do shit. mr prosser be sitting on the couch watching westerns and eating beans.*"

*peter, upon recalling getting a note home to his parents which was addressed to his father, as opposed to his mother. his mother actually wore the pants in the family.

Peter on People

"don't get me wrong, i do like people, but fuck 'em!"

Peter on Homosexuality, Part 2

"my take on homosexuality: what is the point?

if homosexuality is right, and normal, and 'how you were born' then shut the fuck up about it. really. who pisses their pants over the fact that the grass is green? if it’s so normal, then people need to start acting like it! i mean, i have 10 toes, yet you don’t see me standing naked up on the roof yelling for all to hear about how grand it is that my digits are all intact!"

Peter on Gram, Part 2

"for some reason my ramblings have gotten more incoherent the more i've had to deal with gram."

Peter on Holidays, Part 3

"family holidays: rectal probes that we all must endure, ones that are so filled with promise yet seem never to deliver."

Peter on Effort, Part 2

"our family has no stroke within our town... we only cause them."

Peter on Dale T, Part 5

"dale T. is a big ass baby, so something as simple as getting a shot could very well set him over the deep end of reality, leave him plummeting out of control, spiraling into a deep void that is, in reality, his life, and causing him to lose his bladder and mind."

Peter on Failure

“your father fell into the dip tank* again.**”

*a wire milling device that consists of a well of oil sludge and a swiftly spinning bail of wire.
**what peter's mother use to tell him when he was a child at every instance of his father - dale T - failing at life.

Peter on Groceries

"literally, it takes me two or three days to recoup from getting groceries*"

*with gram

Peter on Septic Tanks

"I ALMOST DIED IN A FUCKING SEPTIC TANK! I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE PISSED!"

Peter on Family Visiting, Part 2

"my family was giving me a head ache so i took some Aleve... but they wouldn't go."