Peter on Bare-Chestedness

"ugly women shouldn't show their tits, even in jest."

Peter on Bill Gates

"only pain and suffering are down this road my friend*"

*going back to a PC after the mac died

Peter on Life Without the Internet

"being without the internet feels like dying and finding out that god is cap'in lou wit' rubber bands on his face/neck/breast/chest and head."

Peter on the Devil

"EVERYTHING IS THE WORK OF THE DEVIL!"

Peter on Dick Clark

"dick* makes my nipples bleed."

*dick clark

Peter on Life, Part 8

"i woke up to take a nap... thanks for making me remember how bad my life sucks*"

*spoken to a friend who asked him what he did with his day.

Peter on Horoscopes

"so my horoscope today read: 'with your wit, charm and verbal communication skills you could set the right heart aflutter and start a new romance that could last forever.' and i'm thinking to myself, 'shit, the only heart i've made flutter lately was my own the last time i ate a jelly filled doughnut!'"

Peter on Effort, Part 2

"our family has no stroke within our town... we only cause them."

Peter on Reality, Part 5

"when there isn't much choice, there isn't much choice."

Peter on Reality, Part 4

"he* would have saved me a lot of trouble had he died and the old woman were alive."

*dale T

Peter on Septic Tanks

"I ALMOST DIED IN A FUCKING SEPTIC TANK! I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE PISSED!"

Peter on Bitching, Part 2

"expect it! expect the bitches! expect the bitches to commence! ok? expect it!"

Peter on Harassment

"she’s* been harassing me and causing me grief for months and all I’ve done was EXIST!"

*the hobbit

Peter on P0rn

"a 4 minute p0rno is much like a 4 minute erection. at first it seems good, but in the end doesn't amount to much."

Peter on Dale T's Social Life, Part 2

"in all reality - especially if you're dale T in dale T's reality... there's nothing to be happy about. the man, all of a sudden, he's on cloud 9, he's dancin' around, he's humming - HUM HMM HMM MMM HMMM HUM HM HMUMM - he's dancin' and singin' and doing stupid fuckin' shit i ain't seen the man do a day in his life. i don't know where this new, um, midlife crisis came from, but it needs to end."

Peter on Dale T's Social Life

"i have no clue why the man feels he needs a social life. i don't get it. i don't wanna get it. i wanna know nothing about it, ok?"

Peter on Instanity

"i'm tellin' you! mark it the fuck down, mark it the fuck down on yer little calendar - it's gonna happen just the way i predicted it! i guarantee it! i guaran-fuckin'-tee it! because i've been given insight! because i'm a fuckin' idiot! i have nothing! i have to sit around and think of this shit all fuckin' day - this is all i dooo! like a doomsday fuckin' senario! i should be working for the government!"

Peter on Chem Trails

"of course if they would stop seeding my fucking skyline there wouldn't be any rain at all. dude, i'm telling you, i'm telling you, you mark my fucking words, they are seeding shit in the fuckin' atmosphere. i guarantee you - i would bet my genital region on it. i sat here and watched 'em fuckin' do it."

Peter on the Bible

"i don't want to read what it says because i want to live in my DELUUUUUUUSION! i don't want to read what it says because i don't like what it says!

Peter on Buffets

"I hate buffets. you stuff your ass, go home, and get hungry an hour or two later. now i'm sitting here looking at a box of 'nutrisystem BBQ sauce over beef, beans and rice' which expired in 2006 and it just ain’t doin’ it for me!"