Peter on Phone Calls

"I don't know anyone in Clayton, NY so I don't answer the phone."

Peter on Regular

"Nothing says 'regular' like a shitfaced grin..."

Peter on Vacuuming Concerns

"That awkward moment when you smell smoke coming from your vacuum...doesn't the thing realize that I'm going to power through anyway!? I got a job to do, I don't have time for pit stops...what is this, nASScar?"

Peter on Passwords

"Every clown in New Delhi with a computer knows my password, yet I don't!"

Peter on Meatballz

"Ah'z be makin' meatballz! I've been needing one of these for months now and finally broke down and got one."

Peter on Getting Hot Girls

"Getting hot girls isn't my problem, dealing with their bullshit, however, is! It doesn't matter how big your... wallet is, there ain't no secrets to help anyone with that!" 

Peter on Mass Communications

"I posted it for everyone to see, dumbass! Not just for."*

*This is a direct quote from Peter. The editors are not sure why he wanted it to end with "for" but we have been told not to embellish his quotations with any corrections of "jots" or "tittles".

Peter on DIE-AH-BEAD-IZ

Peter on Fast Food Salads

"Who goes to Burger King or any other fast food restaurant expecting to order a salad? If you do, you should be punched in the face until you realize just how wrong and stupid you actually are!"

Peter on Dispensation

"I hear the word 'dispensation' and I wanna go put jello on my testicles and punch myself in the face."